It’s back, back, back! (As Smash Hits used to say.) And how excited am I? Very. Very excited. Although marginally less excited by the first episode focussing solely on the male celebs – in previous series, the men have begun poorly (and then, often, gone on to win).

Anyhoo, this is Strictly’s biggest season yet, with 16 so-called celebrities fighting for that coveted mirrorball trophy.

The show continues to be presented by – *deep sigh* – Bruce Forsyth (surely this must be his last outing?) and Tess Daly and all four (fabulous) judges are back: Craig Revel Horwood, Arlene Phillips, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli.

My first gasp of the night came from dancer Ola Jordan’s outfit. Holy moly! A PVC leopard-patterned catsuit? They’ve brought out the big guns already! Lumme.

First out was Holby City’s Tom Chambers – one of the celebs I hadn’t actually heard of. His partner is the lovely Camilla Dallerup and they did the cha cha cha.

Oh, but first, Bruce introduced what I can only hope is not going to be a running catchphrase: “I am not doddery, doddery I am…?” “Not!” Give. Me. A. Break. I’m telling you, Brucie, you can’t have that *and* “You’re my favourites”.

Tom was quite good, particularly for a first dance. It was pretty camp, but he made me laugh and he looks like he could do well. Craig called his cha cha walks “a tad mincy” – cue a chorus of, “You can talk!” – but he was right! But apart from that the judges were enthusiastic.

Actor Phil Daniels has been partnered with Flavia Caccace (who, as you probably remember, was involved in the love triangle scandal of last season). They danced the waltz and it was a combination of stiff and nervy. He could be out first.

Rising Damp’s Don Warrington is partnered with Lilia Kopylova and his cha cha cha was a bit embarrassing uncle at a wedding. Um. *He* could be out first. Despite the fact that they’re Bruce’s favourites. Sigh. The judges (apart from Len) were harsh, but Don said, in his fabulously distinctive voice, “I have to say, I thought it was rather good.”

Rugby player Austin Healey (with my least-favourite professional, Erin Boag) did the waltz and it was very good. His fleckerls actually made me go “Ooh!” (Phil Daniels’ made me go, “Argh!”) He could do very well, I think. Len said it was the best first dance from a man he has ever seen.

Swimmer Mark Foster is partnered with one of the newbies – Hayley Holt. His body is phenomenal, but his waltz was boring. “Dee yew double ell – dull,” said Craig. I have pretty much always agreed with Craig, I’m glad that looks like continuing. Mark has apparently promised that, if he makes the final, he’ll dance in swimming trunks. So that may well garner him some votes… in fact, where’s the phone…?

I have no time for chef Gary Rhodes at all, but his partner is Karen Hardy, one of my faves. His cha cha cha was hideous, particularly a bit when he pretended to play piano on Karen’s back. Painful. He *should* be out first, but he’ll probably be kept in for entertainment value. Craig started his judging with, “Well, I don’t want to be vile…” God, I love Craig. Although he gave him a 1, which was perhaps a tad harsh… (If you’re reading this, Craig, you’re my new best friend. Phone me every five minutes.)

Political correspondent John Sergeant is with another new professional – Kristina Rihanoff – and his waltz was sweet, but that was all. Rather like someone doing a wedding dance with their dad. Or like Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, as Bruno put it. John said that, if he reaches the final, he promises *not* to wear his swimming trunks.

Next was GMTV’s Andrew Castle, who lucked out by being partnered with Ola Jordan (whose catsuit was only flaming backless!), but whose cha cha cha was only okay. Still, he’s a hundred times better than Kate Garraway and a million times better than Fiona Phillips, so that’s something.

Austin and Erin were top with 32/40 and Gary and Karen were bottom with 17/40, which was the right result.

The first show finished with a group cha cha cha from the women and… it was not good. Only Rachel Stevens and Lisa Snowdon (and Heather Small a bit) looked like they could dance. Jodie Kidd, Christine Bleakley and Gillian Taylforth looked like complete duffers. Arlene said Christine stood out, but mainly for pawing her partner. Craig chose Gillian, saying, “Just looking at THAT I can’t wait for next week.” Heh. I’m kind of dreading it. Poor Anton. The producers must really hate him.

Strictly Come Dancing Results Show, TONIGHT, BBC One, 8pm