Loads of people have been tuning in for The Ryder Cup lately, with 1.2million watching it on Sky Sports. I was originally going to write ‘feverishly tuning in’, but I can’t imagine for one second that anything surrounding golf is remotely fevered. To me, it seems like a game you should play as opposed to watch. As a spectator sport, golf has to be one of the worst (with marathon coverage pipping it to the post). For me, I’m with that old saying that “Golf is a long walk – ruined”. So why do so many people insist on watching it?

Thing is, when I’ve tuned into the golf, I’ve often gone into a deep sleep. This is not some euphemism – I’ve actually nodded off. It’s the only use I can find for the bloody thing. Each thwack is followed by a smattering of applause that sounds like some chips going into a deep fry in the next room. Then, the cameraman has the most thankless task in television – trying to follow an almost invisible ball through a yawning sky. Then, somewhere, the ball lands and everyone follows the golfer on a trek through the country. No running or anything exciting like that. Just a load of people walking.

Now, I like watching sport on telly. I’ve covered it quite a bit on here (even though I try not to). Cricket was reinvented on Channel 4, the football coverage on the BBC is always excellent. Boxing, something I’m not especially fond of mostly, can be dramatic and scintillating. Even minor sports in the Olympics have seen me thrilled and giddly wriggling around on my seat. Golf however, is just so tedious that it’s like optical Horlicks.

It doesn’t help that I don’t understand what is one of the simplest sports in history. The aim is to get a ball in a hole in the least amount of shots possible. Right? So when you watch it on the box, you’ve got one guy teeing off, some other guy with an unfathomable score doing something called a ‘Mulligan’ next to a pond, while elsewhere, some other guy in a rubbish sweater stares blankly at a pit of sand. It’s amazingly dull. All the while, the commentators talk about the wind.

I can’t help but compare it to other sports on TV. In football, the cameramen get to crash-zoom the goalmouth and get the super slo-mo out when someone does a trick or bicycle kick. Opposing fans hurl abuse or begrudgingly applaud star players and managers furiously wave their arms around in an attempt to convey a tactic without words as the thousands of fans drown out the calls with glorious song. Golf is a fat bloke in slacks talking to a bloke carrying his bags around for him. What a bunch of lazy turds these people are! Sometimes, sometimes they can’t even be bothered walking so they drive little milk floats around on a hill!

It seems that golf and me will never be friends…