Finally, after being trailed for the past two weeks and almost all of last night’s show, we got to meet scary Ariel. Attitude problem much? But she wasn’t the only scary thing about this third week of auditions. I was also spooked by the fact that my request of last week to mix up the format a bit had apparently travelled right to the ears of the producers, and they put the good singers on first.

It was a kind of culture shock. Especially since they cunningly chose 80-year-old Cyril to open the show and lull the audience into thinking “oh yes, here’s another delusional old guy who thinks it’s his last chance” and then he bursts into a surprisingly professional song and dance routine which has the entire panel laughing. In a good way. So he goes through, and it’s like the show has been turned on its head. They all go through. Timothy Johnston, Rachel, a girl trio called Just Those Girls. They’re all pretty good. And they all give Simon the chance to sit with his arm round the back of Cheryl’s chair. Yes, after hints from Louis this week that Simon had “moved on” from Dannii, he even went as far as to shift his seat to third position so he could relive his “Paula Abdul” sitting position from American Idol. Get a grip man.

The good auditions looked set to continue with Guylene (pronounced like Ghislain). But it was a trick! Oh dear. Sounding like someone had stepped on a cat, with her dreadful rendition of My Heart Will Go On. “I can be like Celine Dion.” Right.

Next up 16-year-old hippy chick Diana Vickers, singing Damien Rice’s The Blowers Daughter. Different. A bit forced. One of those singers for whom Simon’s standard line “you’ve picked up some bad habits” fits perfectly. In case you were wondering, here’s what it should sound like:

One of the funniest auditions – Russell Baines – had nothing to do with his singing, but the fact that he’d brought Simon’s head with him in a bag.

This near-perfect representation had the rest of the panel in stitches, with Dannii stroking his flat-top in awe. It sat by his side for the whole audition and it was hard to tell which was the better judge.

A string of Mancunian winners paraded in front of our eyes. Scott the bluecoat, twins Francine & Nicola (who have already been in the news for kicking up a storm at a Sheffield Wednesday match two years ago. Dear me, the press really do like to scrape the barrel don’t they? Their Dad is quoted as saying it’s all behind them now and they were “young and naive at the time.” Quite right. I’m sure we’ll get a chance at boot camp to see just how much they’ve matured), some Army guy, Sondele, Level 7, Laura White from Bolton, they all went through. Manchester rocks!

And then came the moment we’d all been waiting for. Ariel Burdett, the “holistic vocal coach.” Not an ounce of self-belief in her. Have we ever seen such a timid shrinking violet on the show? She wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Actually, it’s a shame she had such a massive chip on her shoulder. What little bit of her voice you could hear through the “academic construction” she chose to sing for the judges sounded as though it was pretty damn good, but it was obvious from the start that none of them would dare to take her on. First time I’ve ever seen anyone shoot themselves in the foot with both barrels and then pause to reload.