I hate almost everything about the Dave channel. I have nothing against the Top Gear repeats, or the BBC panel shows that they broadcast; in fact I like them. I think Dave puts out more shows I enjoy than any other channel, except for Dave+1 which has at least as many good programmes.

Other than the programmes themselves though, almost everything about Dave is just wrong.

Let’s start with the obvious: “Dave” is not a name for a channel. A channel should be named in accordance with the type of programmes it shows, or the company that owns it. It should have a name like Paramount Comedy, or Virgin Media, or Red-Hot Gay Porn. It should not be given a person’s name, because it’s not a person. You wouldn’t call your new born baby “ITV2″ (unless you’re Bob Geldof), so don’t call a TV channel “Dave”.

Dave’s slogan, meanwhile, is “The home of witty banter”, which is also irritating. I think it’s partly because no informed person would use the phrase “witty banter” — banter is supposed to be witty. If banter’s not witty then it’s not banter; it’s tiresome conversation. Why does the channel have a slogan anyway? No other channels I can think of has bothered with one, presumably because there’s no point –people aren’t going to think any more of a channel just because it calls itself “the home of witty banter”, the same way that people wouldn’t like me any more if I started referring to myself as “Magnificent Matt”.

The Cobra Beer adverts that they transmit during prime time are a pain as well. They’re little cartoons of two people having a Cobra Beer and sharing some of that “witty banter”. One cartoon person will ask the other a question, the other will answer, and then they’ll both chuckle smugly.

Example: Man A asks, “Why is barbecuing the only kind of cooking that men enjoy?”

Man B replies, “Because it’s the only kind of cooking that leaves a hand free for a beer”.

The advert is stupid on several levels. The question is redundant because it’s built on a false premise: that men only enjoy cooking at barbecues. And the answer is plain incorrect. Barbecuing requires one to use one’s hands no more or less than any other type of cooking. The only people stupid enough to find an advert like this amusing are 8 year-old boys, who aren’t legally allowed to drink anyway.

It would be so much better if Dave could let its programming speak for itself, without trying to dress it up as something more exciting than a regular cable channel, and begging us to think that it’s cool. I like the programming it shows, but the way it goes about showing them just seems so undignified.