We have a lot to thank Sky for: The Simpsons; four dedicated sports channels; Sky+; late night shows about ghosts and the like. However, there is other stuff that we are not so thankful for; the return of Gladiators, for example, and, most horrible of all, that background music on the TV guide.

The music seems to consist of three four-minute tracks played on a loop. One is a poor-man’s version of Carmina Burana, featuring a choir shouting in a bombastic manner. This gives the viewer an experience similar to reading the Radio Times with a tin bucket on your head that is being repeatedly clobbered with a tuning fork by Vin Diesel. The second soundtrack is some kind of sub-Steely Dan jazz guitar nonsense that operates on the perfect frequency to scramble your brain as you try to remember if you have seen that episode of Boston Legal.  Third is a track that draws its influence from ambient giants The Orb, only it’s much more rubbish.

I have come to the conclusion that this is deliberate act on behalf of Sky.  Fact is, they want you out of the guide quickly – it is of no benefit to them to have you lingering over programme choice. Let’s face it, every minute you are in the guide reading is a minute you are not watching advertising.

As a next step they probably plan to have a strobe light on it.