It has been my misfortune several times in the past to be floated on a river of dreams and sucked into the maelstrom of hyperbole where new series are concerned. Indeed I have even written on these very pages that the more a show is “bummed up” (as my old Nan used to say) the worse it is likely to be. But with an all-star cast in front of the camera and Matthew Graham and Ashley Pharaoh behind it doing the scribbling, I really thought we might be on to a winner this time. More fool me.

Had I been *really* on the ball, I would have realised from the first few seconds of the opening scene what the rest of the hour was going to be like. The bit where a bunch of Knights Templar are finding themselves on the sharp end of some rather fine swords and the date comes up, to be immediately followed by “(between the hospice and the playground)”.

That’s for those poor unfortunates whose attention span is SO small that waiting – what? – 25 seconds is too long and they’ll have forgotten where the action was. Hang on though, that might not be obvious enough for some of our more retarded viewers, so we’ll show the body of a Knight, decomposing, its skeleton disappearing beneath the ground, grass growing over the top, and then a couple of main characters walking over that very same grass. Have you got it yet? Yes! There’s a body down there! Now if you can just hang on for another 15 minutes while we dig it up…

But as I said, I wasn’t ready, so at this point I hadn’t twigged what was going on. I needn’t have worried. The rest of the script may as well have been written with a sledgehammer rather than a pen, so unsubtle was it. I could cry. This is mainstream drama on the BBC. Is its audience really so dumbed down that everything – every little detail – needs to be telegraphed so clearly? Don’t worry, you won’t have to think. Let. Us. Spell. It. Out. For. You.

Let’s see, we have a leader who’s driven. So we’ll have her bark and snap at everyone (that’s leadership) and stare into the dig pit and say “come on, give up your secrets” (that’s being driven). We have a young intern. She doesn’t even know enough not to stand on the edge of the dig. We have a guy who’s supposed to be a bit of a lech, but people might not realise so we’ll give him lines like “nice smile; inspirational chest” when he meets Young Intern.

I remember a time when you could get an idea that a character was a lech by watching their body language. Their eyes would linger on “inspirational chests” without any need for words and certainly without words like those, which I can’t imagine anyone uttering, no matter how lecherous and academic they are.

Young Intern finds a bit of wood in the hole. But it’s not just any old bit of wood. Let’s run through the analysis. It’s cedar (blank stares from the assembled archaeologists, who up to now have done a good job of acting like pieces of wood all by themselves, without props). It dates to 32 A.D. (more blank stares). Pollen grains found on it are from Syria. (no) You know…Jordan (no). Sometimes called The Holy Land (what are you trying to tell us?). It must have been carried by the Knights Templar from Jerusalem (can you tell what it is yet?). It has organic residue on it (come on, give us a clue!) – blood. And there’s a nail (can you help us out here? Jesus Christ!). Exactly! And if there’s anyone left in the audience who STILL hasn’t cottoned on, here’s a picture of the crucifixion. And that’s Jesus. Right there. On the CROSS.

So by now you were either weeping, or laughing, or you’d turned over. Pity the poor TV critic, who has to watch it all the way through. To suffer more lines like “‘Sex Rites in the Ancient World’ – all titties and front bottoms.” To listen to young “crusaders” trying to be fervent. To cringe for the actors as they tried to avoid falling into the gaping plot holes while delivering lines that might have been written for a school play (sorry, that’s an insult to school plays). To listen to the singing.

I won’t go on. I can see three possible outcomes for this:
1. So bad it’s good (Primeval)
It will achieve cult status on account of being so bad, and people will watch it for a laugh. Indeed, if you hadn’t been expecting a first-rate drama, parts of it were unintentionally hilarious. Oh, and it will be renamed Shitkickers among its small dedicated group of fans. If this happens it will rapidly move from its prime-time slot.

2. Recovers from firstepisoditis to become watchable (Only Fools, even LoM to some extent)
There’s a long and illustrious line of dramas whose first episode was a pile of doos. ShitBonekickers may yet recover. But will enough people stick with it to give it that chance? If the dialogue improves as the writers’ sense of the characters grows, and the delivery improves as the actors become comfortable in those characters, there’s a slim chance it might be worth watching.

3. Sinks without trace (list too long to mention)
Like many pilot series before it, we may never see it again. Keep your eyes on the viewing figures. It would be a shame if Graham and Pharaoh turn out to be one-trick ponies.

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