It has been my misfortune several times in the past to be floated on a river of dreams and sucked into the maelstrom of hyperbole where new series are concerned. Indeed I have even written on these very pages that the more a show is “bummed up” (as my old Nan used to say) the worse it is likely to be. But with an all-star cast in front of the camera and Matthew Graham and Ashley Pharaoh behind it doing the scribbling, I really thought we might be on to a winner this time. More fool me.
Had I been *really* on the ball, I would have realised from the first few seconds of the opening scene what the rest of the hour was going to be like. The bit where a bunch of Knights Templar are finding themselves on the sharp end of some rather fine swords and the date comes up, to be immediately followed by “(between the hospice and the playground)”.
That’s for those poor unfortunates whose attention span is SO small that waiting – what? – 25 seconds is too long and they’ll have forgotten where the action was. Hang on though, that might not be obvious enough for some of our more retarded viewers, so we’ll show the body of a Knight, decomposing, its skeleton disappearing beneath the ground, grass growing over the top, and then a couple of main characters walking over that very same grass. Have you got it yet? Yes! There’s a body down there! Now if you can just hang on for another 15 minutes while we dig it up…
But as I said, I wasn’t ready, so at this point I hadn’t twigged what was going on. I needn’t have worried. The rest of the script may as well have been written with a sledgehammer rather than a pen, so unsubtle was it. I could cry. This is mainstream drama on the BBC. Is its audience really so dumbed down that everything – every little detail – needs to be telegraphed so clearly? Don’t worry, you won’t have to think. Let. Us. Spell. It. Out. For. You.
Let’s see, we have a leader who’s driven. So we’ll have her bark and snap at everyone (that’s leadership) and stare into the dig pit and say “come on, give up your secrets” (that’s being driven). We have a young intern. She doesn’t even know enough not to stand on the edge of the dig. We have a guy who’s supposed to be a bit of a lech, but people might not realise so we’ll give him lines like “nice smile; inspirational chest” when he meets Young Intern.
I remember a time when you could get an idea that a character was a lech by watching their body language. Their eyes would linger on “inspirational chests” without any need for words and certainly without words like those, which I can’t imagine anyone uttering, no matter how lecherous and academic they are.
Young Intern finds a bit of wood in the hole. But it’s not just any old bit of wood. Let’s run through the analysis. It’s cedar (blank stares from the assembled archaeologists, who up to now have done a good job of acting like pieces of wood all by themselves, without props). It dates to 32 A.D. (more blank stares). Pollen grains found on it are from Syria. (no) You know…Jordan (no). Sometimes called The Holy Land (what are you trying to tell us?). It must have been carried by the Knights Templar from Jerusalem (can you tell what it is yet?). It has organic residue on it (come on, give us a clue!) – blood. And there’s a nail (can you help us out here? Jesus Christ!). Exactly! And if there’s anyone left in the audience who STILL hasn’t cottoned on, here’s a picture of the crucifixion. And that’s Jesus. Right there. On the CROSS.
So by now you were either weeping, or laughing, or you’d turned over. Pity the poor TV critic, who has to watch it all the way through. To suffer more lines like “‘Sex Rites in the Ancient World’ – all titties and front bottoms.” To listen to young “crusaders” trying to be fervent. To cringe for the actors as they tried to avoid falling into the gaping plot holes while delivering lines that might have been written for a school play (sorry, that’s an insult to school plays). To listen to the singing.
I won’t go on. I can see three possible outcomes for this:
1. So bad it’s good (Primeval)
It will achieve cult status on account of being so bad, and people will watch it for a laugh. Indeed, if you hadn’t been expecting a first-rate drama, parts of it were unintentionally hilarious. Oh, and it will be renamed Shitkickers among its small dedicated group of fans. If this happens it will rapidly move from its prime-time slot.
2. Recovers from firstepisoditis to become watchable (Only Fools, even LoM to some extent)
There’s a long and illustrious line of dramas whose first episode was a pile of doos. ShitBonekickers may yet recover. But will enough people stick with it to give it that chance? If the dialogue improves as the writers’ sense of the characters grows, and the delivery improves as the actors become comfortable in those characters, there’s a slim chance it might be worth watching.
3. Sinks without trace (list too long to mention)
Like many pilot series before it, we may never see it again. Keep your eyes on the viewing figures. It would be a shame if Graham and Pharaoh turn out to be one-trick ponies.
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Could not agree more, this was TV at it’s worst. Derivative and boring, cliche after cliche was trotted out by one dimensional characters – and I only watched 1/2 an hour before giving up! By trying to pound Time Team into a Torchwood-lite by way of DaVinci Code the “creative team” have managed to create a hideous mess which will only appeal to people who don’t have to think while they’re watching TV.
I don’t ever write comments, but this made me angry enough to think it was necessary. I don’t care if it might improve later in the series, the first episode has made sure I’ll be watching another channel next week.
So awful it was funny. We cracked up as the dovecot (gateway to the crucifixion cross warehouse of the Templars, wot?) billowed smoke and one character asked if it was ok to head off to the pub. What did they say to the kind owner then, ‘thanks for letting us look round but we burnt it down, sorry’?. Drivel and really comical, pure crap as drama, genius as spoof!
Am looking forward to a dig shortly and caught the trailers of this drama, so hey gave it a shot.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the preposterous story line, ham acting with amazing finds these ‘archaeologists’ sourced within minutes. The young interns find of a medieval shoe complete with original nails was overlooked and tossed over her shoulder as she and the imaculate conception of a nurse pulled out the ‘original cross’ as one would to an old turnip. As soon as the nurse acquried a splinter, my remote pressed the red button. I watched for twenty minutes about fifteen too long and never the twain shall meet cult or not.
Yep, it was tosh of the highest order, innacurate and insulting. Mad stereotypes. Political correctness gone bonkers. Particularly the crazed christian fundamentalists beheading a diplomatic peace loving muslim. What are the BBC trying to say? It was unnecessary in the context of the programme. The script smacked of a teenage immaturity and insensitivity. Pure money wasting rubbish. I very much doubt they will get 6.8 million viewers next week.
Utter rubbish, i’m amazed that they didn’t realise how bad this was before it went on screen….too late by then l suppose, But it did give the wife and l a good laugh after the initial shock.
This is the most offensive thing I can remember seeing on TV. They (the BBC) are shown for what they are in this … a patronising bunch of overpaid liberal fundamentalist fops.
Utter, utter tripe. So bad that for the first time in my life it has moved me to write about it. And I’m not the only one by the look of the reviews so far. But given that I’ve just wasted 60 minutes of my life watching the whole episode, please indulge my own archaeological abilities as I look into the past and tell exactly how this program came to be made….
1. The Pitch (circa 2006):
Bright-spark Program Maker: What about a series based on a team of gutsy archaeologists – a kind of Da Vinci Code meets Lovejoy?
Program Commissioner: But Da Vinci Code kinda sucked.
Two Years later….
BSPM: OK what about Da Vinci Code meets Lovejoy meets Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Doctor Who?
PC: Have a ton of money.
The Plot
BSPM: Right, so we need some bad guys. Hmmm… how about.. Muslims?
PC: nononononononononononono!
BSPM: OK. Let’s make it a band of extreme-right christians. And let’s make them modern-day Knights Templars!
PC: Let’s make sure we point out how the Knights Templars killed lots of muslims in the past.
BSPM: Right. And there should be an army of them.
PC: But you’ve blown most of the budget already.
BSPM: OK. There should be two of them. One really fanatical and the other a dit drippy.
PC: So what weapons are they going to use? Guns? Cyber-crime?
BSPM: No, we need people to know that they’re Knights Templars. Knives….?
PC: Nononono
BSPM: Of course – swords! Big, long swords that they carry about hidden under big, long coats.
PC: Big, long coats? Won’t that confuse the viewers?
BSPM: No! Because under the coats they’ll wear white t-shirts with the Knights Templar emblem on it!
PC: Have more money.
I’m sorry but I can’t go on. There really is too much material to criticise. If you have to, watch some of it on iPlayer and judge for yourselves.
Or wait for next week’s show. The trailer suggests an American theme, with an edgy sub-plot about slavery! I shudder to think of the cliches to come.
I didn’t see this, but have been advised by my wife to remove it from the PVR recording schedule. By all accounts a bit ‘Tudors’ in its handling of history. As the BBC is paid for by licence fee, shouldn’t we expect them to care a bit more than this?
Seemed as it was trying to be Da Vinci Code meets Indiana Jones and missed on both counts. So many TV dramas these days last for 90-120 minutes with a plotline that could have been done in 45-60. This one tried to pack enough action for 180 minutes into 55 and sunk badly in its attempt. I shall watch it again next week but if the next episode is anything like the first I won’t be watching many more.
Best comedy since Green Wing. I’m hooked.
This is the worse thing I have seen for a long long time.Stupid story and really bad over the top acting,It was like Time Team for the under fives!
I turned it off after 15 minutes………and that was too long!I switched it back on for the last 10 mins and it was even worse!…….I wont be going back!
I cannot believe that I still haven’t gotten over it, several days on. There is something fundamentally offensive about a television show that sets out to mock its audience so blatantly. The excuse of it being “just entertainment” is even more upsetting since it so totally failed to entertain. Are the producers so arrogant as not to care, and only concerned with ratings which they did manage to bag? Was this a cynical joke at the viewers’ expense?
Oh come on folks, this programme is comedy gold, I tells ya, gold! Eldorado gold in fact. Over-acting, bizarro world plot line (where the Christians are fundamentalist terrorists), corny one-liners delivered without any obvious irony (“We start digging!”), man the list goes on and on.
How bad can this series get? I can’t wait to find out. This is car-crash television at its best, folks.