I don’t know what to think about Trinny and Susannah. I mean, on one hand, they’re irritating middle-class twits who poke people. On the other, they’re clearly daydreamy idealistic gals who want people to feel better about themselves. So, with The Great British Body (ITV1, Monday, 2 June, 9pm), they’re compelling the public to get naked. Why? So Britain can be proud of itself… sans vêtements. I wrote that in French because I’ve seen proper writers in newspapers doing it. Anyway, it means ‘without clothes’. The aim is to create a human sculpture of naked bodies. Of course getting people to derobe is a tricky prospect. Women have hang-ups about their boobs (which may be too small… they’ve drooped since their youth… whatever) and blokes… well… getting their cocks out in front of just about anyone is nigh on impossible. Of course, both sexes have a whole host of other issues… so this was gonna be tricky.

The show wasn’t the charging in that I thought it was going to be. Loads of lifestyle TV trademarks were present. There was the diary room style confessions. People pointing at their arms, their bellies, their arses. Some are positively pleased with their various lumps whereas others are a little more inhibited. Of course, each request to get naked (bizarrely, via a booming voice from the ether… a bit like they’d got God on board or summat), was met with a range of answers. One lady featured tells of fluctuating weight and the like, but horrified me by letting on that she’d been on dieting pills from the age of 5. That’s her mother pouring pills down her neck.

Aside from these confessionals, like all people asked about how they look, there’s the usual troupe of ordinary people yelling “I’M ATTRACTIVE!” and “I LOVE MY CURVES!” The Great British Body is one thing… my knee-jerk Great British Sarcastic response is quite another… I mean, since when was it the done thing to say that curves were the mark of a ‘real woman’? All sorts of things make a lady, ladies.

Oddly, for a T&S show, they featured very little. Instead of the prodding pair, we were faced with a lot of science and soundbites. Like all TV science, it veered between the stupifyingly basic or the meandering and dull. Naturally, it soon spun away from the lab and toward the flesh.

The subject of penises was approached and my life-long suspicions are confirmed. Women, by and large, know absolutely nothing about cocks. After being asked to show their preferred size with a balloon, they veered from 9 inches to about a foot and a half long. Now, if us blokes had dicks that long, we’re obliterate your 5 inch long vaginas. The women who demand big, deserve injury.

Anyway, where were we?

What was surprising about the show was the amount of joy. At various points I found myself grinning like a mother watching her child at a show. Wisely, the programme avoided sticking with show-offs, and looking at those from outside the margin. A man who is under 4 feet tall lit the screen up by not caring a hoot about his ‘restrictive height’. I was particularly happy to see Trinny grabbing his arse and purring “you have got a wonderful arse”. Get this. Prodding! And I liked it! Either I’m going soft or something in their approach has changed.

Actually, the reason why the show was such good fun was that, the message, the point, was that, by using statistics of what is supposed to be average, out of hundreds of people in one room, hardly anyone fitted the bill. Instead of striving for this mean look, we should celebrate our individuality. Man, I’ve been saying it all along… but now, someone is on the box saying it, so hopefully, people will listen. Forget the advice from ogres like Hambleton-Jones and her grotesque like. Hell even T&S fell for this pap once upon a time… but now, they’ve stopped slagging people’s wardrobes and started to praise their arses instead!

I’m not inclined to check, but I bet other reviews of this show have been pithy and sarcastic. Thing is, that’s lazy journalism. I’m pretty much designed to hate people like Trinny and Susannah. They’re posher than me, loud and brash. However, only a moron would have a pop about last night’s show. Just because someone has been irritating in the past, doesn’t mean they’re without cause. Slagging off T&S is as lazy as the current scurrying around just about every young stab victim in Britain (have you noticed it’s the new favourite of the press?). Basically, T&S did a bloody good job of making a show that made me grin and feel good… get that! A show that makes you feel good! There was no negativity, no sneering… and it made a refreshing change from a listings plagued with fear, death, worry and criticism. I know… I’m as surprised as you are. The fun continues tomorrow…