I’ve no doubt that as soon as this series of The Apprentice comes to an end, the casting agents (sorry, highly qualified business people) will be looking for another group of aggressive bullies (sorry, bright and dynamic young things) to take part in the competition (sorry, interview) next year. Perhaps you’re thinking of applying? Well, are you someone who’d stand out from the crowd? Who won’t think like every other applicant? Do you have life skills and interests away from the business world? Yes? Then I wouldn’t bother applying after all – you’re clearly a little too zany for Sir Alan…

Before I go off on the rant that that opening paragraph suggests is on the horizon, let’s go back to the beginning. I know I said I wouldn’t go on about this, but the opening section has gone from boring to ridiculous and irrelevant – oh the applicants “will have to live and work together”, will they? They *will have to*? As opposed to what they’ve been doing up until this point, week 11 of 12. Silly. You have to say that Sir Alan’s assertion that this will be “the job interview from hell” was more true last night than most weeks though; if anything can be definitively true that presupposes a punitive afterlife, of course. But more true, certainly, as this week the remaining five candidates actually undertook interviews. Hopefully not the sort of interviews Sir Alan’s cronies usually conduct, as that would presumably mean that no-one entered business ever, but the sort of twisted ones that make good telly.

Claire, out of all of the candidates, was the one who seemed the most relaxed – and with good reason: “I like interviews” she said, “they give me chance to talk”. As if Claire ever needs to be “given” a chance to talk. Lee on the other hand was really feeling the pressure, especially when Sir Alan announced that three would be fired by the end of the day. “My ass is ACTUALLY on the floor” he said, presumably while his nuts were on the chopper, because that’s a given. Uncomfortable, you’d have thought.

He was the first we saw in the interview room, and it has to be said his fears weren’t instantly allayed. His interviewer noticed that his CV boasted he can do a pterodactyl impression, and so asked him to do it, which he dutifully did. Bad move. “Why did you do that?” the interviewer asked, “why didn’t you say, this is a serious interview?” There’s not much answer to that, really.

Lucinda’s first interview did not involve any impersonations, but didn’t go much better. “Isn’t it right that you’re a contract worker because no-one will employ you?” she was asked. And before she had time to answer – “Is there something about you that gets up people’s noses?” She came out of the room questioning whether she really wanted to be tied down to one job – and, rather inadvisedly, decided to vocalise her concerns. The others just thought it was one less competitor to worry about.

Claire went in next, and is, quite possibly, the best dictionary definition one could give for the word “unflappable”. Far from being intimidated by the situation, she just kept to her usual routine of talking as much as is humanly possible. Her interviewer said that, having raised her company’s profits by £8million, the fact that she only got a £25k bonus that yeah shows that she’s not a good negotiator. It didn’t put her off him though, she came out saying she thought he was “quite hot”.

Alex didn’t fare all that well in his interviews, as he had to keep battling the idea that he (or at least his CV) is incredibly boring. He tried to counter this by saying that he’s only young, but that’s not a good tactic to take when you’re sat in front of, say, Karen Brady, who was Managing Director of Birmingham FC by the age of 23. And boasting on his CV that he’s “fluent” in English didn’t exactly help.

Last up was Helene who, from what we saw at least, seemed to perform the best out of all of the candidates. She was forthright and really quite sweary, but always appeared genuine, articulated herself really well, and I *think* she actually managed to impress the interviewers which is, in itself, impressive. We found out that she had a very tough childhood, and worked her way up from the age of 16.

In the second round of interviews, we found out a few important pieces of information about other candidates too. First – and most significantly – that Lee had lied on (or as Sir Alan would later put it “over-flowered”) his CV, by saying that he attended university for two years, when in fact he was only there for four months. You have to wonder why he felt he had to do that – not only would it undermine his integrity if he was ever found out, but surely he must have known that Sir Alan doesn’t give two hoots about education, and very often takes an active dislike to the most educated candidates? Alex, after a bad morning, shone a little in the afternoon when he explained how he had helped make money for his family when they hit hard times, and Lucinda decided that she did want this job after all and would fight for it “tooth and nail”.

When the interviewers fed back their reactions to Sir Alan, they had positive and negative things to say about all of the candidates. Karen said that if Sir Alan didn’t employ Claire, then she would, but others wondered whether she’d be able to transfer her retail skills. Alex’s commission-only role impressed, but all warned that he was far from the finished article, Lucinda was seen as a clever kook, Lee as cheesy, but a real worker, and the interviewers warmed to Helene’s work ethic, but Sir Alan was reluctant to be swayed by a sob story.

When it comes to the firings, I’ll be brief, and simply say that Lucinda alone was fired, with the words “I’m afraid you’re a little too zany for me”. How sad – no room for something a little different in the business world, clearly. And in any case, zany? Lucinda is, at most, eccentric, and let’s face it, in any arena other than business she’s the one that would look normal, and she’s certainly the only one I would have any interest in spending time with because she would have things to talk about other than balance sheets. I shall leave you with Lucinda’s own astute reading of things: “My accent wasn’t liked, my approach to life wasn’t liked, what I wear wasn’t liked… I am what I am. I don’t need to answer to them.” Absolutely spot on.