Forget the hosts bacofoil dress. Forget the old man scratching with a gramophone. Forget the histrionics and blue oyster bar rave. The thing that I see and hear every time I close my eyes since the close of Eurovision 2008 (BBC One, Saturday, 24 May, 8pm) is the wacky antics and ear bleeding yells of the yoorawizzon green-room. Still, that's not to say that's all there was to it...

Eurovision is something that appeals to me year after year. Normally, I spend my time searching for gritty dramas and sharp, witting comedy and stunning, engrossing and brave documentary films. However, all those make for a dull, and potentially pious life. Now and again, I need a bit of glitz and glamour. Something that is pure bubblegum. That of course, is the Eurovision. Some of you may know that I'm a record collector too, which means that, like my TV viewing, I aim to be cool and hip and seeking out ace shows and... blah blah blah... Eurovision is a great distraction and the signal that, hellyeah, summer is here and it's time to take things a little less seriously.

So, the show, resembling a giant Stars In Their Eyes, got underway and it was a marked difference from the gigs I'm used to. Naturally, the glam'n'matazz is a big part of the show... but the main star is the acts. For ease of layout, I'm going to dissect each outfit... however, to save you from getting bored, I'm going to copy word-for-word, my notes that I took during the show. If I've missed any out, it's probably because I was going making a cup of tea or having a wee... or they were completely forgettable.

Germany - Out of tune.

UK - Andy Abraham did us proud, but tactical voting will probably see him low in the listings come the close of the night.

Croatia - Geriatric scratching on a gramophone. WHY?

Latvia - Pirate themed entry. They look like the result of Amyl Nitrate fumes being pumped onto the set of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Denmark's entry had the chorus "All night long, celebrate good times COME ON" which is clearly two different songs mish-mashed together. I can't remember (even though the song is currently playing) but I think the verses go "Signed, sealed, delivered, wait Mr Postman, let it be, imagine, under the boardwalk, still waters run deep - TRAGEDY!".

Greece - Not a bad pop song really.

Iceland - Gay club anthem.

Georgia - One of the backing singers looks like Carmel from Hollyoaks. Is the singer blind?

France - Blah blah blah.

Azerbaijan - The worst experience of my life to date. Akin to having teeth pulled while someone knocks down the dentists building around your ears... while two fellers scream bad amateur opera in your face at close range. So painkillers are involved.

Spain - A middle aged bloke in a Elvis wig and a child's toy keytar going for the old 'let's be dead weird and get noticed'. Wogan says "even Franco's secret service couldn't help this one." Such is the desperation to be zany, at the song's close, it is greeted by a huge round of boos.

Russia - Terrible. Half the song is performed on knees. Are they disabled? Is that a theme this year after the blind one? Oh god. Here's a bloke pissing about on ice-skates.

What was constant is that almost every band or artiste featured smiled with insane fervour. Plastic vaseline smiles plastered on every face, almost as if each camera in the building was fitted out with a loaded rifle. Of course, the presenters are no different. My theory is cemented in my mind when I hear the worried and rushed "European games of music and friendship are at peak!" from one "excitable little package" (c/o Wogan). Now read that again. It's an amazing none-sentence. The weird English and the accents, all with a strange American twang, reminded me of the scene in Wayne's World about learning English from 'the Police Academy movies'.

The other recurring theme was the need to be wacky. Bosnia tried wowing us with a washing line, and others (like Spain as mentioned) were seemingly thinking of becoming stars of Youtube. Well, as Wogan points out, "you can't be funnier than the competition itself", which is incredibly true.

Aside from the showbizzery, Wogan's legendary consumption of Bailey's came to the fore last night. He even mentioned it himself. During one particularly enjoyable and lengthy ramble climaxed with "Ken Bruce and I will be sharing a shower together after the show... it doesn't make you a bad person". I'll also point out that, after the acts had finished, Wogan drunkenly wittered on over an entire set by a local group. It was like a fantastic director's commentary on a DVD. He went from paying a loving tribute to his producer, to shooting apples from people's heads and a huge banner that read 'JUSTICE FOR CLIFF'.

However, the one thing that cannot be ignored is the voting. I know it seems like sour grapes to harp on about like the rest of Britain, but in all honesty, this tactical voting provides an incredible anti-climax for the show. Once the exciting stage explosions have gone, you start playing the 'who will vote for who' game. That, in itself, could be a fun game, but it ends up being a bit depressing as you can plainly see that Eurovision isn't a game played on a level playing field.

I was left thinking that Team UK might just think 'd'you know what? Sod this. This just ain't fun anymore' and generally walk away from the competition as some sort of pop-protest. Poignantly, one of the last things that Wogan says is "this is no longer a music contest" before hinting that he might not bother doing the show anymore. To be honest, if Wogan walks away from it, then the United Kingdom might as well not bother entering, as I wouldn't want to watch the coverage without Wogan's boozy acerbic ramblings. Maybe our 'European friendship' has run its course?