If you go to Youtube and type in Touch The Truck, you’ll get absolutely nothing to do with the gameshow aired on (Channel) Five in 2001. Why? Well, basically, it’s the worst show that’s ever been aired. I can say that with some confidence. Those that are able to remember it will testify that, Dale Winton, a man not known for his shame (this is a man who pretended to wed Nell McAndrew for a TV wheeze), actively looked ashen and disinterested when hosting the show.

So. Some of you might not remember the show and may well be sat there thinking ‘what on Earth could make this the worst show ever? Ever? That’s some claim.’ Well, meet me over the jump where I’ll wallow in dreadful nostalgia…

Back in the old days when Five was but a baby and fresh from a Spice Girls advertising campaign, the piggy bank was a little light. So, wanting to get on the gameshow/reality thing, Five decided to commission Touch The Truck. The format was limited (more on that in a minute) so, to help it along and drag bums on seats, they got housewives’ fave, Dale Winton, to provide cheeky quips. Now, the format.

Basically, Touch The Truck was this. Get a big vehicle and plonk it in the middle of the Lakeside Shopping Centre. Get 20 desperate people and, get this, they all placed a hand on the truck and the last person standing (and still touching the truck of course), wins the 4×4. Contestants were not allowed to sleep. This, of course, created some slight hysteria

At the time, in a desperate lunge for some interest, Dale Winton could be seen shuffling around these fools and trying to drag something interesting from them. As this was largely a fruitless endeavor, he resorted to making Sid James style puns. Quite often, in-between cursing his agent, Dale would chirrup “lucky truckers” and “it’s the most fun you can have with your right hand”. The producer of the show said at the time (about Dale) that “he brings an air of credibility.”

So who took part in this horse-shit? Contestants included Paul – Motorcycle courier by day, evangelical pastor by night, Jimmy (the homeless man) and Ymer (Kosovan refugee). You may be wondering which insane mentalist won the show? Well, in what was the only amusing aspect of the show, Jerry Middleton, an eco-politician landed the spoils. An eco-warrior with a big fuel guzzling car? Yep. His gesture was to sell the car for £34,000 car. Unsurprisingly for a man stupid enough to sign up for such a ridiculous idea, Middleton used some of the money to stand for MP in Kingston at the 2001 General Election. He lost his deposit. He got 54 votes. In saying that, that’s almost double the amount of people who watched this horrendously bad show.