If Chanelle Hayes, Big Brother reject, rubbish singer and ‘sex-tape-with-Teddy’, is Big Brother’s demographic, then wheel out the gallows and get the bloke in the hood to kick the stool from under my feet. As some of you will know, I’m not exactly a fan of this ‘theatre of cruelty’ that currently blights just about every reality show on the box (past and present I suppose). When someone says ‘it’ll make great TV’, they usually mean that someone will have to have some kind of breakdown on camera in the name of entertainment. Kurt Vonnegut, who every lame-ass TV critic loves for a quote, said “One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.” How bloody true.

You see, Chanelle wants a change on Big Brother (soon to be deceased… surely?) has claimed that Big Brother 9 contestants should be asked to nominate in front of each other because it would result in “heated rows” between housemates. Since when have rows been interesting? Okay, in fairness, if there’s a drunken cat-fight outside my window on a Friday, I’ll watch… but only because it’s spontanious and grimly fascinating. If you orchestrate a scrap, then you’re no better than the little weasel at school who was referred to as ‘shit stirrer’. Shit, if you haven’t gathered, is not the best thing you can stir. How about stirring our imagination?

Chanelle; “If contestants had to nominate in front of each other every week, it would really spice things up. They would have to sort it out face-to-face and it would cause some pretty heated rows.” Not only that, but ‘her who cried and acted like a spoiled child live on TV because some former boybander gave her the brush-off’, went on to say that she would like to see couples entering the house when the new series kicks off on June 5… “They would gang up against the others and imagine if one cheated – fantastic viewing!”

There it is. ‘Fantastic viewing’. For who? Well, the only people I can think of who get a kick out of watching real-life misery is masochists, despotic leaders and morons. To me, demanding this kinda thing is akin to someone sticking a mouse in a microwave, just to watch it die. Maybe that’s the next logical step? Reality snuff TV. Former members of Big Brother are put to a public vote. The top 10 most voted end up in a huge microwave, set to defrost. Over 10 weeks, we’ll slowly watch them die through radiation poisoning or, for the more vacuous, simple evapouration.