“This is the job interview from hell!” And so The Apprentice began. Makes you think that the producers have been watching Masterchef doesn’t it? Working doesn’t get tougher than this. The show kicked off with a round up of last week… which is essentially the wannabe go-getters flogging wet fish in Stormtrooper boots. Most of ‘em couldn’t do it. One of ‘em, a particularly loathsome one, got the chop because he’s rubbish… but you know all that don’t you? So what happened last night?

Last night’s episode fired into action with the grizzled S’ralun barking from inside a laptop (he’s away being terribly important or shouting at some inanimate objects). His instructions are that these wannabe mini-sugars have to start a laundry business. Now, I was hoping for a money laundering scam… but sadly it’s dirty knickers that Alan is after. On the lad’s team, Raef (who has clearly stepped out of a time machine from colonial India circa 1950) takes the lead. They sit down, got out their most handsome pens and three different people uttered 110% at the same time. As a result, my blood pressure went up onehundredandtenpercentfold. The girls kick into gear and talk and talk and talk and talk… all of it inane marketing speak, none of it remotely useful. As my ire fired, I had to keep reminding myself that, this is exactly what I expected from the show.

Throughout the programme, to make the contestants (yes, they’re contestants, not business people) look like grade A bumbling charlies with snow domes for brains, the show insisted on playing plinky plonky marimba music like the kind you hear in Desperate Housewives. This incidental music ensured that everyone involved looked like they’ve got absolutely nothing of value in their heads… which of course, they haven’t. They’re “go get it!” types… and everyone knows that people in marketing and business are the most loathesome people on the planet. They start off punching the air in call centres… then they claw their way up to be the kind who make their staff do Mexican Waves while on the phone. Team building or soul destroying? You decide.

Anyway.

What is amazing about the current clutch of cackling clods, is their ability to make even the most simple task sound like the most urgent issue ever. They want you to know that they’re doing something incredibly important by scurrying around and putting on incredibly earnest voices and nodding. Now, the last thing on the box that did that was a talking bulldog on an advert. Oooh yes. These hoo-ray morons would be best suited to the back shelf of a car.

Now, before you start on me, I know that everyone talks like a bit of wally when at work, especially on the phone… that’s understandable… you’re trying to be professional, even if it’s only in the eyes of the bosses. However, these would-be apprentices are seemingly unable to talk in a voice that doesn’t sound like someone who gets a kick out of standing by a flip-chart. I can imagine them having dinner together with one of them saying “the carrots weren’t maximising their performance, however, with the added value of the potatoes, I can really see great potential in this particular cuisine. Next time, with some ground work, some cross platform planning and maybe a little seasoning, this will be a great mover in the global market.” With that, you can also imagine Alan Sugar shouting himself blue down a toilet.

At one point, on the ladies’ team, Lucinda gets a dressing down. Now, in the real world, you’d call someone a cock, but in this it’s “I’m thoroughly disappointed” and “that doesn’t help team dynamic… it’s like a fungus eating away at the positivity”. I beg your pardon? I hope these bozos watch this back and cry with embarrassment. Sadly, it’s obvious that these Barnaby’s won’t see a problem with anything they’ve said at all. These idiots will probably feel a slight swelling in their underwear when they watch this back. “Lookin’ good tiger!” They make you sick don’t they?

It’s the fact that they’re so irritating that makes this show so watchable. I mean, where else on TV do you tune in just to watch every single person fail or get shouted at? The girls fail miserably by getting all the clothes mixed up… and watching them squirm is priceless. Seeing as I’d just finished eating, this was some excellent just desserts. As ever, the climax of the show was at the boardroom with Monsieur Sucre… ironic really as he’s about as sweet as road salt covered burned hair.

The discussion about how everyone has done is hardly thrilling TV as it’s all very above board and efficient. Basically, the girls quiver and the boys whoop, which, if you haven’t guessed, means they won the task and went for tea at The Ritz. Then, some tense music, some sitting around and it’s time for Sur’al to roll up the sleeves and get down and dirty. When the girls tie themselves up in knots by trying to sound impressive… which meant one of them talking about a 24 hour hotline as personal account managers for customers… Sir Alan expertly dispatches them by saying “who needs to call up in the night to see how their pants are coming along?”

After some very rudimentary questions, Alan Sugar just sits back, furrows a brow and lets them all argue and bicker like worried hens. Then, he cuts to the quick and calls them all a “bloody shambles”. Then Lucinda, Shazia and team leader Jennifer talked themselves up, with Jennifer climaxing with a nod to breast feeding her team (cue repulsed look from Sugar) and Alan cuts through the second bout of “violent disagreements” to shine the boot, tighten the lace and punt Shazia into the street with “you’re fired” ringing in their ears.

With typical Apprentice aplomb, the nation reeled and yelped “you’ve fired the WRONG PERSON!” Yep. You’re probably wondering where my kicking was for the horrendous Jennifer. Well. Guess what? That’s the point of the show. We’ll be back next week, tuning in to see if our chosen hate figure gets their comeuppance. We’ve been sucked in by the sneakiest show on the box.