I'm just going to start this review with some of quotes, because the contestants themselves come up with gems I simply can't match. "Not only beat the other people - but thrash them." "There are two types of people in life - winners and the second one... I can't even bring myself to say it. I won't say it." "As a salesperson, I would rate myself the best in Europe". It's Apprentice time, ladies and gentlemen!

One of the first contestants to speak to the camera mentioned the fact that he got a First for his degree, and a distinction for his masters. He clearly hasn't been watching. That means nothing on the Apprentice; if anything, it's a disadvantage, despite the fact that Sir Alan maintains that he makes no judgments about people based on their education. As for the guys overall, there's a hell of a lot of designer stubble going on... think Hollyoaks Does The Apprentice.

Time for some more quotes I think, as they really do make for laugh out loud stuff. Raef said with authority that "where mere mortals quake, I do not", Sara asserted that business is about "making money, making money, making money" and, best of all, Michael announced that "if someone said to me 'you're arrogant', I'd say 'yeah, you're right, I am arrogant, what you gonna do about it?'". You can add 'confrontational' to the list then, mate. And 'an idiot'. Honestly, what planet do these people, come from?

The first task was selling fresh fish on the streets of London. There was the usual discussion about names, and eventually the girls came up with Alpha, and the guys Renaissance. Not brilliant, but better than previous series - remember Stealth? You might as well call yourself Dodgy and be done with it. Nope, given past form, Alpha and Renaissance will do quite nicely, thank you very much.

Next, it was onto choosing team leaders, and many of the girls had seemingly plausible excuses for not putting themselves forward. "Yes, sales is my thing, (best in Europe, remember) but I need to be in the field", they'd say. Yeah right, you just want to keep your head down for the first week. Eventually, Claire volunteered, basically because she seems a decent sort. For the guys, there were similar deliberations until Alex "stepped up to the plate" - one of his many metaphors that punctuated the programme. He took the role very seriously too: later on, a team member said "I'll stick my nuts on the chopper." "No, no" said Alex, nobly, "that's my job". What you do in your own time, and all that.

Both of the teams decided to set up their stalls in Islington Market, and while the girls had the advantage of getting there earlier, they were instantly swamped by punters, who could smell inexperience a mile off, it seemed, and they ended up selling way below wholesale price. Alex made the rather sensible decision of sending team members to find out what other stall-holders were selling their fish for, but then failed to make it known that he was quoting a price per pound, and his team were using kilos. Oh dear. All day, both teams undersold, mis-labeled and were generally a frantic, unorganised mass of cliches and bickering. To top it off, the boys sold their last £135 worth of fish for £50. Great work, guys!

Time to head back to the boardroom, then, and while Renaissance worried about a rift in the group (between the regionally-accented and the RP-speakers, basically), Alpha congratulated themselves on a job well done. Sir Alan was less impressed with their efforts: "Sounds like a bloody mess to me." Not surprisingly, though, they did come back with the bigger profit, and so left the boardroom to enjoy a meal cooked by Jean Christophe Novelli. Fish, naturally.

The guys returned to the boardroom, and after a brief discussion about where things went wrong (most places), team leader Alex chose Raef and Nicholas to come back with him in the morning to face Sir Alan, perhaps for the final time. Raef has been in charge of labeling, and Nicholas in charge of pricing. As there were major flaws with both departments, it not surprising that they were the ones to be chosen, but it was also very much to do with The Rift. Raef said he can get on with "Prince or Pauper", and Nicholas said it was a case of the educated versus the "gritty". Alex, the regionally-accented member of this awful triumvirate, got just a little defensive.

In the end, though, he was saved because he was the only one who actually volunteered to be team leader - everyone will be clamouring for the role next series, you mark my words. Nicholas, on the other hand, talked himself right into being fired. He was the one who went on about his First at the start of the programme, by the way. Surprised, much?