Once upon a time, you could listen close and hear the sound of the barrel being scraped by Footballer’s Wives. Now, the barrel doesn’t exist at all because Rock Rivals (ITV1, Wednesday, 9pm) has come along and tried scraping it with a mixture of napalm and atom bombs. Where the barrel once stood is now a cavernous crater, filled with the memory of what TV used to be.

If ITV want to know why their stock is falling, then they have to look no further than Rock Rivals. It’s clear that they’re pinning a lot on this show. A huge promotional push and lots of money spent on the sets have indicated as much. Sadly, it seems that they had a small budget as there was clearly no money let over for things like actors who can act, scripts or production values. In short, I can’t think of a programme as bad as this from all my days of viewing. So why is it so bad?

The show is cheap, nasty, garish and filled with stereotypes… and it’s probably going to be huge. Some of you will know that I like an analogy to decorate a review… well here’s the Rock Rivals one. This show is like a shit covered in a big thick layer of pink icing. The eye-bleeding colour scheme of everything belies the fact that underneath is something that has little substance and stinks up the place to high heaven. There is so little to like about this show that it’s actually not funny. The only inspired thing is the casting of Michelle Collins. The former Mrs Beale is looking a bit ravaged and the botox and beauty treaments give an air of desperation, which makes her perfect for the role of a deluded and angry pop shill.

So. The show? Well, it leaned heavily on the Footballer’s Wives (from the same writers) template. Basically, that means it’s crass, rice-paper thin, uninspired and filled with characters that are stereotypes that even a seventies sitcom would be ashamed of. The gay men are all camper than John Inman. The press are all vapid. The TV types are all shallow morons greedy for notoriety. There’s a blind man, there as a ball from left-field. Oh, and how could I forget the stalker. He’s got a blow-up doll with a cut-out of his idol’s face stuck on. I have no doubt that he will produce a knife at some point.

I’d love to say that this was a gloriously trashy show which doesn’t take itself seriously, filled with cartoon like characters… but I can’t. Mainly because it’s barely a TV show at all. It’s a caricature of an idea. It’s so far removed from any creative process that it’s actually painful. It’s horrible and toe-curling to watch. It’s based on a format that is shallow enough as it is. I hope this horrendous programme disappears from our screens with great haste. If not, I don’t care. I don’t t think I’ll be watching ITV1 for a while. Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for a tie-in single release.