Welcome to the live blog of the final of Masterchef. You’re very welcome. Why Masterchef? It’s brilliant, tense, has loads some yummy food on show and John Torode and Gregg Wallace make for the unlikiest couple on television. Suddenly their catchphrase has now gone overground. Everyone I know is now shouting “Cooking doesn’t get tougher than THIS!” Actually, blogging doesn’t get tougher than this – ahead of us is an hour of hardcore chopping, sauteing, baking and sweating.

So, who’s up for this? There’s Johnny, the likeable Northern Irish fella who likes cooking shepherd’s pie and other wholesome food; James, the posh(ish) curly-haired bloke who is surely the favourite; and Emily, who’s flaky and away with the fairies but produces food like mad mud pie and scallop mojito lollipops. Over the jump is pithy rubbish from me, guiding you through proceedings. So, let the cooking begin…

8.00pm: So here we go then. We kick off with Gregg and John doing the whole pretend-talking-to-each other thing. They’re already talking soundbites and nonsense. John: “We’re looking for an amateur cook who can make it as a professional cook. Whoever wins this will change their life. This is it… crunch time” No rave music… just foreboding classical music. Oh yes, things must be serious.

8.02pm: Challenges are in: in the kitchen to cook from some mystery ingredients; travel to France to cook for a load of Michelin-starred chefs; and then the big, final cook-off.

8.04pm: Profiles of all the finalists… Gregg loves Johnny’s style of food, but he wants to see consistency. Shots of him with his children. Awww. Mad Emily doing some art in her garden. She’s unique, you know. Rhubarb soup? Go on then. Her food makes Gregg nervous, John loves her. Food is art, she says. James is up for a change in career because being a lawyer wasn’t doing it for him. Shame.

Ok, enough profiling already, I want some cooking.

8.10pm: Ten minutes in and that low synth drone kicks in… it’s finally time for some cooking. Emily is wearing a nice little scarf. Bleeeurgh, she’s mad. One plate of food must be created in 50 minutes. After seeing the dazzling amount of ingredients, this shouldn’t be too difficult. Give them a bag filled with some Shredded Wheat, some sorrel, an apple, some beef and a packet of Angel Delight… now that WOULD be a challenge. Drum and bass kicks in, and with 15 minutes to go the soundtrack morphs into driving house. Hands in the air!

8.15pm: “One minute… on those plates now!” shouts Gregg. Johnny is first up with his duck, mash, roasted vegetables and a reducurrent gravy. John says the sauce whacks you in the mouth, but it’s not the prettiest plate of food. Gregg nods and waves his hands in the air like a girl. He loves it.

James is next with his sea bream, herb-crusted potatoes and shellfish sauce. Gregg is on about the velvety sauce and thinks it’s superb. John says it sings and dances and it doesn’t get any better than this.

Emily is next. She’s mad and she’s produced beetroot vermicelli with scallops and loads of other bits on the plate like chervil and bacon and stuff. They’re both blown away. Gregg is gob-smacked, John says it’s stunning… “there are soft bits and hard bits.” Cheers. John is actually going to cry. He says he needs to stop talking or he will go. Get it together Torode!

In the discussion room, Gregg says he’s having problems. We know Gregg, we know.

8.21pm: It’s off to a Michelin-starred restaurant in Lyon, France for James. Electro is kicking in, while James is getting his head around the meal he has to cook.

8.22pm: A French chef is drawing on a plate with a felt-tipped pen to illustrate the precise serving arrangements for James. He’s as mad as Emily. Speaking of which, across town Emily is with one of France’s most creative chefs. She should like it there.

Johnny says “J’mapelle Johhny” to his chef in an Irish accent. Good work son. John and Gregg have sent him to a place where presentation is the key, which is not his strong point. Oh, here comes The Future Sound Of London on the soundtrack.

India Knight on the voice tracks says that these meals normally cost £500 each. No pressure guys!

8.27pm: The chef Emily is with is obviously as mad as she is – he shrugs and communicates through strange noises. They’re getting on great.

James, meanwhile, has to cook Brill with squash and flowers… erm, flowers? The pressure is on… can he cope? He’s doing ok and even sticks to the felt tip-drawing design the chef had laid out for him. This chef is very precise and controlly, but he’s impressed with James.

Johnny’s first order for the delicate cep starter he’s cooking up is in. He has to cut the thinnest slices of bread you’ve ever seen. Shepherd’s Pie this ain’t. He’s doing well though.

8.30pm: With service now over, they now have to cook each restaurant’s signature dish and serve it to the chef who created it. They all say they’re privileged to be doing it, but they’re bricking it really.

Johnny cooks salmon with curdled milk sauce and sorrel and all kinds of stuff. The chef is amazed and asks him if he did it himself. Nice one Johnny! Is Johnny a dark horse for this competition?

James cooks a dish with 40 different vegetables and flowers and herbs. Yikes. Two chefs eat it and chat in French for what seems like ages… but they love it and are very impressed. Nice one James! Is James a dark horse for this competition?

Emily cooks a dessert for Mad French Man – a trio of puddings, in fact. Chocloate sufflé, blackberry jelly, egg yolk cake. He says it’s perfect! Nice one Emily! is Emily a dark horse for this competition?

Mad French Man says she could win, and then laughs at something that’s in his own head.

8.35pm: Gregg and John shout at each other for a bit (this is where it all really counts, cooking doesn’t get blah blah blah) and it’s now back to London for the final cook-off. I think Emily is just edging it… she seems to have upped her game tonight. Gregg and John are still piling on the pressure with chat.

8.38pm: Three courses in two hours. Let’s cook.

Cooking is underway… my typing hand hurts now and I’m feeling hungry (shame I had a wisdom tooth out today and can’t eat anything).

Emily is cooking chocolate sorbet with smoked paprika and marshmellows, inspired by camping. Wow!

Chocolate fondant from Johnny… we all know what happens to people who try to cook chocolate fondant. John thinks he’s mad, but Johnny says it’s his balls of steel moment. Drum and bass kicks in and it’s time for tasting.

8.45pm: Lots of things to get through, so let’s go.

Johnny has cooked mushroom risotto with rocket pesto for his starter. JT says it looks great and tastes great. He didn’t know that there was truffle oil in it, but he likes it. Gregg likes the explosions in his mouth. His main – seabass with fondant potatoes, parsnip purée and fennel/vanilla cream – went down a storm. Gregg thought the vanilla was a bit much. The good news for Johnny is that his chocolate fondant worked, and Gregg tells him that women fall in love with me who produce puddings likes this. Do they? I better get out the cocoa powder.

James has cooked smoked mozzarella with a tomato and basic cream. Gregg’s on one: “Fruity yet deep… tinny basil (tinny basil?!)… feels like an angel has just kissed my tongue.” JT says it rocks. His main of tea-infused venison is liked very much. The pudding of chocolate roulade gets Gregg a bit mad. He screams and says he’s never had a chocolate pudding pass his lips like this before. Gregg, you’re lying and you know it… you’ve had many a chocolate pudding pass through those lips.

Emily has cooked a beetroot taglietelle with horseradish and mint. Gregg, who’s really giving it some, says: “There are so many unusual things going in my mouth at the moment. Wow.” JT, who’s being a bit understated tonight, says it works really well. For her main she’s gone for rabbit, langoustine, pear and other stuff. Erm, sorry? Rabbit and langoustine? But they like it. JT says it’s seriously exciting. Her camping-inspired pudding (chocolate sorbet with smoke paprika and marshmellows… there’s some almond dust in there too, to mimic the ash of a camp fire) divides them – Gregg doesn’t want pepper with chocolate, JT thinks it’s amazing and tells her that he’s never seen anything like her before and perhaps never will.

8.53pm: Gregg and JT are jabbering on… two-ing and fro-ing… talking shite… building up the tension… shouting at each other even though they’re only two centimetres away from each other. JT’s hand is shaking he’s so nervous. Gregg is perplexed. JT finally says he knows who he thinks is the winner. Thanks friggery for that.

The synth drone, the three of them standing there cacking it waiting for the decision… I think it’s going to be Emily after tonight’s cooking… she’s come up with some really exciting and, more importantly, honed stuff. But no… IT’S JAMES!! James is the winner. Gregg thinks he will not only go onto be a professional chef, but a celebrated one.

And that’s it. The series may have gone on for a little bit too long, JT and Gregg may have started to become slight parodies of themselves… but a great show, a simple format and just very addictive. Bring on Celebrity Masterchef!

Thanks for reading ad keeping me company. I’m off to look at some food I can’t eat.