Okay. Check this. One of the most loathed women in the country at the moment has been approached to host a cookery show. That woman is Heather Mills (I'm guessing that you knew that from the headline). The soon to be considerably richer and ex of Paul McCartney has told friends that she cannot wait to share details of her vegan lifestyle with viewers. She also hopes that the show will help to improve public perception of her. A decent veggie cookery show? Not a bad idea at all. Improving the perception of her? That'll be a tall task... how does she plan to do it?

Sadly for me, Heather is going to do the unthinkable. Get this. "Heather thinks a cooking show will give her a caring, sexy image like Nigella [Lawson]," a source told the Sunday Mirror. "She is passionate about being a vegan and loves being in the limelight... she is determined to be a big star." Hang on hang on hang on a minute. She wants to be like Nigella Lawson? A woman I've called "patronizing", "drug mental" and "has no soul"... this could get ugly.

Mills also fancies a go at launching her own chat show. A friend explained: "Heather is talking about being the next Oprah Winfrey. She hopes a TV career will show she can cope emotionally and financially without Sir Paul."

Now, I don't care that she's got a leg missing (which everyone else in the world seems to be arsed about) and I don't care that she's divorcing a Beatle. Okay, she's hardly conducted herself in the best way and she's had a couple of breakdowns on screen which have been thoroughly unpleasant... but that's just the way celebrity break-ups go these days. No, my problem is that her programmes are probably going to be awful, detached from reality and just about every critic in the world is going to draw knives and take great glee in ripping off lumps of flesh.