I’m such a sucker. When my editor asked me if I fancied a go at review the dreadful Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps – Live! (BBC Three, Sunday, 9pm), I said yes. I thought it might be funny if I watched it, then gave it a kicking. It even crossed my mind to not watch the show at all and simply post this video up instead. But I’m a sucker. I watched it, hated it and was acutely aware that I was missing Louis Theroux on BBC Two.
So anyway, I sat down and watched a special live episode of the show which, if you’re smart enough to have avoided it, is a sitcom about the inane goings-on of a bunch of moo-minded losers in Runcorn. The show was wooden and cheap to begin with, so what on earth was the live equivalent going to be like?
Before I start getting angry and dishing out insults, I’ll give you the entire storyline… don’t worry, it won’t take long. The pub they all hang around in reopens after its refurb. The girls of the show all want a job there. They get competitive. Ralf Little is nowhere to be seen and the one who used to be in Hollyoaks tries to prove to everyone that he’s exciting. The end. Okay, now that’s out of the way, let’s crack knuckles and get the boxing gloves ready. As you can see, my glamourous assistant is placing the horse-shoes in as we speak.
Who watches this shitty excuse for a programme? I’ve always wondered that. Now, having seen the show live, I know exactly the kind of person that watches this pitiful show… namely… people who will laugh at absolutely anything… and in fact, they do. Before the show started, I made a list of things that I thought would be in the show. Amazingly, I got full marks. The list is as follows;
- someone falling over
- someone burping
- the word ‘knob’
- someone bumping into something
- a camp voice
- more burping
They were all there… and boy, it was incredible stuff. Being kind, this show is a cross between Loaded magazine and one of the poorer Carry On… films. Basically, tittering a boobies and horrendously lame sexual puns. Quite why this turkey was filmed live is something of a puzzle. Presumably it was to show the actors corpsing now and again… and there was plenty of that alright… but it wasn’t like Pete ‘n’ Dud, rather, more like a bunch of grinning simpletons poking a dead cat with a stick.
Filming this swollen gland of a show live didn’t add an extra dimension. I mean, I remember years ago, E.R. filmed a show live… and it was very impressive indeed. The complex storyline flew past at breakneck speed, and it showed just how good the actors of the show really were. Two Pints… however doesn’t have a storyline as such. In fact, last night’s show took place in two places… a living room and a pub. It’s hardly impressive is it?
The only thing that resembled anything like an attention grabber was the missing Ralph Little. His character Jonny didn’t show throughout, which led me to believe he was dead. Turns out I was right… and I couldn’t care less. The show was so poor that it actually offended me. The jokes were so mind-numbingly obvious that they announced their arrival minutes before the punchline. Imagine a one-man band on fire running at you from across a perfectly empty field for 3 minutes and when they finally get to you, they shout “Ho ho! I’m on fire!” It’s like that, only less funny.
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