Another week, another two and a half hours of celebrity skating. And I’ve finished the Bailey’s (and obviously can’t buy more until next Christmas…). This week for the first time the contestants had to perform a “required element” – the lunge into spiral (you have to do a lunge, obviously, and then lift your leg in the air). Tricky, apparently.

Linda Lusardi was first out and her program didn’t do much for me. The transitions between lifts and other manoeuvres were clumsy and she looked very unsure of what she was doing. She does look like she could be good with practice. The got very excited because Nicky Slater scored them a 6.0, but it was a mistake – it should have been a 3.5. Clearly there was no way it could have been a perfect score, but she and Phillip Schofield got all excited (I think he actually jumped in the air and gave a little clap) as if it was.

Natalie Pinkham is the least famous of what is, let’s face it, a pretty fair bunch of D-list celebs. She’s billed as a “sports presenter”, but she’s probably better known for being photographed with Prince Harry squeezing her boob. The routine left me a bit cold. There was nothing wrong with it particularly, there just wasn’t anything exciting about it and there was very little content between lifts.

Greg Rusedski’s got no rhythm whatsoever, which is a shame since they skated to Dance the Night Away. He looked like he was having fun, but his partner Kristina was coaching him throughout. Jason gave him a 1.5, saying that he didn’t see an improvement on last week. I must say, I didn’t either. Jason said Greg looked constipated and his presentation was dull.

Last week Aggie Mackenzie’s costume revealed rather more than I ever wished to see. I didn’t mention it in my review because I thought I’d give her the benefit of the doubt, but according to Sarah Green (who was first out of the competition last week), Aggie’s flashing was intentional to get votes. Would anyone really vote on the basis of a glimpse of her … special area? I was unsure about this week’s routine. Bits of it were good – kind of like *ballroom* dancing on ice – and other bits were supposed to be sexy, but instead they were cringey. They scored 10 (out of 30). “You’re a straight-talking lady and I’m going to be straight with you … you’re not very good,” said the wonderful Jason Gardiner. He’s not wrong.

Suzanne Shaw was my favourite last week, but this week she was in the wars, most dramatically cutting her head on her partner’s blade. Ouch. This week she reminded me of last season’s runner-up Clare Buckfield – like Clare, she’s got natural ability and she seems fearless, which is a formidable combination. The routine had loads of great elements, which she made look easy, but then there was a “death spiral” at the end, which was breathtaking. They scored 20.5, gaining better scores from the skating professionals than the performance professionals. Nicky said he was “excited by her grace”, but thankfully not excited enough to write a poem about it. Ruthie said “musical interpretation” was missing for her.

Like Natalie Pinkham’s, Steve Backley’s routine left me cold. He did quite a bit of skating on his own at the start, but it was really slow, he never looked balanced and lost his footing a couple of times. Plus I thought his “required element” was the worst so far.

Samantha Mumba was in the bottom two last week, but was saved unanimously by the judges. I wasn’t that impressed with her last week, but this week I thought the routine was beautiful. There was a good balance between skating and lifts, she looked much more confident, there’s great chemistry between her and her partner and she also interpreted the music the best of any of the contestants.

Gareth Gates surprised me last week because I expected him to be rubbish, but he was pretty good. “I am actually a very funny guy,” he said. And he is, I saw him on Jonathan Ross and he was hilarious. But if you have to tell us, Gareth… The routine was fun and actually made me laugh for the first time in the show. It wasn’t so great technically, I wouldn’t have said, but it was definitely fun. And I was just starting to get skating fatigue, so it was welcome.

At the beginning of the program, Michael Underwood’s partner, Melanie, got her skate caught in his braces and he managed to pull it out and keep skating, which was pretty impressive. The rest of the routine didn’t do much for me, I’m afraid, but the judges keep saying he’s entertaining to watch, so I’m obviously missing something.

Of the other two, Chris Fountain and Tim Vincent, Chris was even better than last week and Tim was okay, but not good enough since he was in the bottom two along with Natalie. The judges saved Tim (three plumped for him and two for Natalie). Natalie was okay, but she’s hardly going to be missed since no-one knew how she was in the first place. I’m just excited that there are only ten celebs left…

Dancing On Ice, ITV1, Sunday 6.15pm and 8.45pm

Dancing On Ice Week 1