Is it that time again already? Yep, we've got another Big Brother show to play with. Instead of having a 'normal' one, or indeed, a 'celebrity' show, the producers, in a last ditch attempt to generate some interest in this failing format, have decided that they're giving us a mixture of the two with a twist. That's what they'd have you believe anyway. Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Channel 4, Thursday, 9pm... and then moving on to E4) was supposed to feature a mix of young prodigies with a celeb playing the role of Big Brother.
Once again, Big Brother has done a sterling job of finding a bunch of incredibly irritating gits. It's the classic BB mix of idiots and vomit inducing self promoters. Words used throughout the show by contestants included 'flava' and 'y'get me?'. People gave themselves 10 out of 10 for looks and had the kind of eyes only seen on a sharks and panels of judges on other reality shows. I dare say that no-one in their right mind expected anything less... I mean, talent usually makes its own way, but when the show began, it was clear that 'genuinely interesting' or 'sane' wasn't to be on the menu.
The show kicked off with the usual BB tricks. People standing outside pawing at people walking out of a car. One change to the show was the lack of Davina McCall. Taking her place was Dermot O'Leary. Now, Dermot, a generally loved bloke by fans of tat, and also liked by those who appreciate a genuinely affable chap on the box, faced an incredible uphill task in hosting this awful programme. The show was so poor and devoid of any interest that hearing Dermot in the links was akin to someone trying to tread porridge.
Outside the house, we're used to seeing howling and booing and flashing lights and an air of plastic drama... however, last night's show saw an eerie quiet swirled around the house with the very occasional yawn and cry of a passing jackdaw... or was it a vulture? Either way, it seems a mixture of cold weather and indifference has seen the Big Brother format become a bit of a bore, even for fans of the show.
Now, forgive me for sounding a bit snobbish, but surely the kind of person who really really really digs the Big Brother format only has a limited concentration span. You have to bear in mind that these are people are happy to watch a room full of people muted by bird song and passing traffic. So, the new split screen format (one screen shows the house, another shows the celebrity hijacker) is surely going to leave them gibbering and confused, dribbling all over their keypads, finger slipping in drool trying to vote one of the non-descripts out. Or in. Or whatever lame-ass trick the producers come up with next.
Now, for me, hijacking is seizing control of something by force or some kind of swindle or extortion. So the term hijack is far too exciting compared to the reality of it all. Matt Lucas, last night's hijacker, was invited onto the show and presumably paid too. So really, the show should be called Big Brother: Get a celebrity in to try and boost the viewing figures. However, that's far too honest for a reality show (oh, the irony kills me!).
Matt Lucas, clearly a nice enough man and probably a very funny man to have 'round your dinner party, was obviously stunned with the lack of scenarios to work with. Throughout, talking to the ear-piece, Lucas resorted to merely mimicking things that have been said by contestants... "Repeat 'dancer' like you just thought of it"... as well as having no idea and resorting to random autism "just start shouting 'cake'... shout 'cake' at everyone". Occasionally, he seemed to enjoy himself, but sadly, these were the moments when he told his stooge to relax. The air of cruelness of making someone look like a blithering idiot seemed to make the lovely Lucas pull up at the fence.
The mix of Lucas and his niceness with the moronic geniuses on show were the least of Big Brother's worries. It was incredibly hard to watch the show as I couldn't really hear what anyone was saying because of the slow and long exhaling noise that continued throughout the whole broadcast. I couldn't work out what it was for ages. I wrestled with the connections in the back of my TV. I went outside to see if a magpie had landed on my aerial. I got back in and a clunking shake had now added to the sonic wind. Then, I realised what it was. It was a last wheeze from the chest of a TV cadaver and a death rattle of a programme dying on its arse. Ladies and gentleman, draw your knives, Big Brother is about to join the choir invisible.
If you want to keep up to date with BBCH, then I advise checking out our sister site, AvailableForPanto, the one-stop shop for all things reality TV.
Did you write most of that before the show aired? Cos you obviously weren't watching the same show I was. I thought that Matt Lucas made the normally boring opening night genuinely watchable. Perhaps the humour was a little cruel but the young politician guy tasked with following orders was a really good sport and made me laugh on a number of occasions.
Yes the contestants were a little big headed, but they've all achieved incredible things while still young - young people at the best of times are arrogant, but young people with achievements? Nightmare. Perhaps as the show goes on, this will provide for good value, we'll see.