Two of my favourite dances on Strictly this week: the American Smooth and the Samba; and while no-one fainted, there were still tears, tantrums and a genuine shock at the end. Plus one of the most hideous dances I’ve ever seen in my life.

My favourite contestant was out first too: Alesha Dixon. She did the American Smooth and it was glorious. Romantic, charming, cheeky, fabulous. Is there nothing this girl can’t do? Len and Bruno argued again. Either they’re spending too much time together or they’ve just made bickering part of their shtick.

This week was the first time Gabby Logan and her husband Kenny were doing the same dance, the Samba – so we got to see them in direct competition (although it’s not as if we didn’t all know who the better dancer was anyway). I said last week that I didn’t know how Gabby would get on if she had to be sexy, but she did okay. She looked like she was having a great time, but she still seemed a bit cold to me. Arlene said she needs to let the music live within her and I think that’s part of it, she needs to let go a bit more.

It was in the paper (well, The Sun) this week that Dominic Littlewood had been telling the Strictly crew that he’d spent the weekend with one of his Strictly colleagues. Hmmm. His American Smooth was surprisingly good, apart from starting and ending with a bum grab. I’m not sure why Lilia keeps choreographing him as a perv. But then Len did say that whenever Dom is behind Lilia he’s looking at her bum… The judges gave him 6s and 7s and he wasn’t happy. Again.

Well up until this week I’d given Kate Garraway the benefit of the doubt, but oh dear me, she really can’t dance. She looked drunk and god love Anton, but he must have found muscles he didn’t know he had hauling her about. I was wondering why I like her while I could not stand Fiona Phillips or Jan Ravens and I think it’s because Kate knows she’s bad, but she’s enjoying herself and trying whereas Fiona just couldn’t be bothered and Jan thought she was great, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

It does seem particularly harsh that Anton’s got Kate this time after having Jan last time. Perhaps the production staff don’t like him all that much. But then I do have a sneaking suspicion he’s not as nice as he seems.

Despite John Barnes doing a fabulous Jive last week, he was in the bottom two. His American Smooth was not so good. He fumbled the last lift and I thought for a minute he was going to drop poor Nicole on her head. Craig said it was dull and I agreed. I kept waiting for something to happen and it never did. In fact, none of the judges had anything good to say about it. Actually Bruce didn’t go to Len and Len gave them the highest score of 7, so I would have liked to hear his comments.

Have you ever been in a club and some drunken fool comes up and starts “sexy dancing” around you? Well that was Kenny Logan’s Samba. It was hilariously bad. I’d love to see him dance with Kate Garraway. Len said there were a couple of nice bits “in the sea of bloody horrible”. And that was the best comment. Craig said it was “grotesque” and “repulsive”. Frankly, if I was Gabby I’d never be able to sleep with him again.

Kelly Brook said the American Smooth was the reason she signed on to do Strictly and it was gorgeous … except there were three lifts. “Pure Hollywood,” Bruno said. Craig commented on the three lifts and said that meant they’d have to mark them down. Brendan argued, of course, but as Bruce said (repeatedly) rules are rules. Craig, Arlene and Len gave it 8s, but Bruno gave it a 10, saying, “I can’t help myself”.

Did Bruce introduce Gethin Jones as “Kenneth”? You know how the BBC needs to save money? Bruce gets paid almost half a million quid to present this show. Anyway, to squeeze the passion out of Gethin (yum), Camilla took him to a Samba bar. His Samba was still a bit tentative, but I really enjoyed it. It made me smile and he’s so cute. After a litany of criticisms, Craig said he enjoyed it. “Don’t hold back, you’re not on Blue Peter now,” said Arlene. Len said he lost the timing because he wanted the music to be faster and the music (More Than A Woman) was a little slow for a Samba.

Letitia Dean’s American Smooth was really good and, for the first time, she looked like she was enjoying herself. Len said it was her best dance to date. “A touch of class with a sprinkle of camp always works,” said Bruno.

I find Penny Lancaster surprisingly endearing and I loved her Samba to These Boots Were Made For Walking. Again I thought it was too slow, but she did it brilliantly. I love how you can always see the joy she has in dancing. The judges loved it too … except Arlene who said it was “less like a carnival in Rio and more like a private party for two.” The thing I like about Arlene is she’s never afraid to come across as old and bitter…

Last up was Matt Di Angelo … and Bruce’s only amusing joke of the evening (by Bruce’s standards, obviously). It was another gorgeous routine, particularly because of two completely breathtaking lifts. Craig thought it was fantastic. Arlene said it was sensational. Len said it was marvellous. And Bruno said it was amazing. They were certainly the best comments of the night and the best scores too: four 9s, putting them top of the leader board. Kate was bottom again, of course.

To the results show! The usual load of waffle included a performance of Goodnight Girl by Wet Wet Wet. Wet Wet Wet! When did they get back together? It’s like an epidemic…

Anyhoo, when it came to the results, I had a feeling that a shock was in the air. First Kate went through. Then Dominic. Then John. Kenny, Gabby and Penny were left and I had a horrible sinking feeling. And then Kenny went through. Nooooo!

I was sure at that point that the judges would save Gabby, but I was wrong: three of the four saved Penny. That was actually my preferred outcome since I think Penny’s sweet and Gabby? Not so much. But still Kate, Kenny and Dominic *at least* all should have gone out before Gabby. She was clearly devastated, as was her professional partner, James. Her real partner, Kenny, must surely be feeling a bit of a heel now, no?

Strictly Come Dancing, BBC One, Saturday 3 November, 5.45pm and Sunday 4 November 6.50pm

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