Ah, it's the new series of Strictly Come Dancing. You know what that means? It's nearly Christmas! Yay! Before I say anything else, can you just look at that picture above? I know it's small, but squint. Bruce Forsyth is holding Tess Daly in his arms. How likely do you really think that is? He's about half the size of her!

Anyway, the show began - painfully - with Bruce doing a Catherine Tate's Lauren impersonation. If it wasn't for Bruce, this show would be perfect.

There have been some changes this year, not least that the results show has moved to Sunday evening rather than later on Saturday night (more, much more, about that later) and the two couples at the bottom after the public vote will take part in a dance-off and the judges will choose who goes home. That's actually quite a good way of doing it, I much prefer the judges having the final say rather than the public who we know can't be trusted ... more about that later too.

For the first show only the boys were in competition while the girls would be doing a group dance. First up was Matt Di Angelo from Eastenders. I haven't watched the 'enders for 18 years so I don't know him. Partnered with the gorgeous Flavia, he danced the Cha cha cha (why we have an extra "cha" in this country I have no idea). Unsurprisingly, being first out, he looked nervous, but he was good although I thought it was a bit of a boring routine. Judge Len Goodman agreed, saying it didn't sparkle.

Since I've been watching Dancing With the Stars, four judges - along with Len, there's Bruno Tonioni, Arlene Philips and Craig Revel-Horwood - seems too many. Incidentally, Len and Bruno are doing double-duty, flying back and forth between London and Los Angeles to judge Dancing With the Stars too. I hope they're offsetting their carbon emissions.

Brian Capron says he's probably best known for playing Richard Hillman in Corrie, but he'll always be Mr Hopwood to me. (I loved Mr Hopwood and I was very envious when that girl had the imaginary affair with him.) He's partnered with Karen Hardy, who won last year with Mark Ramprakash. Since she said Brian's the worst student she's ever had, I didn't fancy their chances this year. His Waltz was okay - it was an interesting routine - but it didn't thrill me the way he used to in those little shorts in Grange Hill. Bruno said it was "funereal" and Bruce trotted out that infernal "you're my favourites". I can't take it, I really can't.

I used to love Dominic Littlewood until we had a disagreement via my blog (isn't the internet marvellous?) so I was hoping that his appearance on Strictly might get him back in my good books (and, let's face it, that's probably why he agreed to do it, eh?). He's partnered with my favourite female professional, Lilia Kopylova. He described himself as a "cheeky little cockney monkey" and it was a cheeky routine. It made me smile. (Len used one of the jokes he's already used on Dancing With the Stars - "You've got something everyone's got, but yours is bigger ... personality!" Do you think he's unaware that DWTS is being shown here too?) Craig said Dom and Lilia's performance was "camper than this show". Heh.

"Snooker legend" Willie Thorne is partnered with Erin Boag, who reckons he could be a dark horse. She's kidding herself, surely. Having said that, his Waltz was my favourite dance of the show so far. He had a fixed grin on his face and looked a bit simple-minded, but it was romantic and his footwork was great. Len said it was outstanding.

Not having watched Blue Peter for even longer than I, um, haven't watched Eastenders, I don't know Gethin Jones either. He's a bit of a looker and he's a bit of a dancer too. He looked fairly tense, but once he relaxes he could be really good, I think. Craig said that he was "gorgeous to look at" but the dancing was no good. Len disagreed and Bruno got quite agitated and startled Gethin by demanding more passion. The judges were all pretty demanding for the first night, I thought.

Rugby player Kenny Logan looks like Desperate Dan, but he's partnered with the completely gorgeous Ola Jordan. His wife, presenter Gabby Logan, is partnered with Ola's husband, James. Do you see what they've done there? I expected him to be a lumbering oaf in the Peter Schmeichel Frankenstein's monster mould, but his Waltz wasn't quite that bad ... but it wasn't good either. Arlene said, "In one word - it was a bit stiff."

"Football legend" John Barnes is a big lad so I didn't have high expectations for him either, particularly doing the Cha cha cha. Before he even got on the floor, Bruce did a dreadful joke about Barnes not trying to score with his dance partner, Nicole, which wouldn't have been funny even if he wasn't known as a philanderer. If that wasn't bad enough, they then showed a clip of that World In Motion rap, which I never need to hear again. Despite being encumbered with an incredibly unflattering outfit, he was actually really good. He can really move. Funny how the two big blokes were the best dancers. The judges were generally positive and Craig said he sees a lot of potential ... and that he likes a man with a bit of meat on him. I'd forgotten how much I love Craig.

So at the end of the first show (men only, don't forget) John Barnes was top and Brian Capron was bottom.

The women - Stephanie Beacham, Kelly Brook, Letitia Dean, Alesha Dixon, Gabby Logan and Penny Lancaster Stewart - performed a group dance. (Kate Garraway is injured.) Penny's husband, Rod (um, Stewart), was in the audience and had an excruciating conversation with Bruce. Billy Zane was there too. I thought he and Kelly Brook had split (and she's inevitably been linked with her partner, Brendan Cole) - just shows, you shouldn't believe what you read. Except here, obviously. The group dance was amazing - the standard was very high for the first week. Penny, Kelly and Alesha particularly were brilliant, but I'm already dreading Letitia Dean.

I'm pretty (okay, very) impatient (actually, pathologically - I was once mocked mercilessly for holding a second Malteser to my lips while I ate the first one, you know, to save time on lifting my hand to my mouth) and so it was quite tricky for me to wait 24 hours for the results show, but wait I did. Because I had no choice. Or did I?

You probably already know (or at least suspect) that the results show is actually pre-recorded on Saturday night, but I'll tell you how I knew. I applied for tickets to Strictly and there were no tickets offered for Sunday nights. On Saturday night, Bruno responded to a comment by saying, "That's why I'm getting on a plane tonight." Tonight? Of course, Kenny Logan turning up on ITV's rugby coverage IN PARIS 20 minutes after the end was my biggest clue. In future, if you really can't wait until Sunday night you can go online and get spoilers from those who were in the audience. Ridiculous.

Anyway, apart from being a travesty of a sham, the results show was of course chock full of timewasting and waffle (although I did enjoy a return from last season's winner, the gorgeous Mark Ramprakash), but, unlike Dancing With the Stars, I had to watch all of this one because they'd promised another group dance and I couldn't miss that, could I? Actually, I could have - it was rubbish.

Eventually, Brian and Kenny were in the bottom two and so had to dance again and the judges - inexplicably, or perhaps, er, explicably - saved Kenny. They've made a big deal about the first husband and wife team and pitting them against another husband and wife team and my guess is they wouldn't want to lose that after only one week, whereas poor Mr Hopwood Brian Capron was more expendable. I should have known really, if you can't trust the BBC to name a kitten...

Strictly Come Dancing, BBC One, Saturday 13 October, 6.15pm and Sunday 14 October 6.45pm and don't forget the completely marvellous Strictly Come Dancing - It Takes Two every weeknight on BBC Two at 6.30pm