Every single time something becomes slightly more popular than something else, it becomes the new rock and roll. Seeing as rock and roll is pretty much a fart in tepid bath water at present, then it seems only natural that the new hip thing is the world of cookery. Of course, cookery requires passion and fire (literally in the last case)… but one gets the impression that all the best chefs in the world are far too busy running restaurants and tossing and turning over possible ingredients to ever consider messing about on telly.

TV execs, seeing that cookery on the box works (maybe they came up with the idea whilst looking at a microwave?) have started commissioning just about anything food related (don’t be surprised if we see a show on Five called Naked Women Stood At A Buffet). This is precisely the reason why we’ve ended up with the very peculiar Food Poker (BBC Two, Monday, 4.30pm)

Food Poker, according to a BBC press release some time ago, is “an innovative take on a cookery show… combining the thrill of a poker round with the competitive edge that always ensues when you put two or more top chefs in a kitchen together.” Well, I’m satisfied that the top chefs are busy (and to further my case, yesterday, we saw Paul Rankin featuring)… so the thrill of poker? Having never been very good at cards (once in a game I shouted “Ha! This queen has a funny eye!”) I don’t understand the joy. However, I do understand that you can get engrossed when there is money involved. Seeing as I have absolute nothing at stake, this element of the show only serves to annoy… but we’ll come back to that.

The show is presented by Matt Allwright. Now, you might not know who he is, so let me tell you that he’s that bloke from Rogue Traders who bombs about on a motorbike. For no reason. Why doesn’t he just appear at location like everyone else? Why do we need to know how he got there? Thankfully, Matt doesn’t find himself being filmed on the tube on the way to the show. Now, as nice as Matt is, it’s bad news when you’re looking toward him to lead an “innovative” new cookery show. I mean, you’d be better off getting some chef or food critic in wouldn’t you? Keith Floyd can’t be up to much these days can he? And he’d probably get drunk during filming… which would be a laugh.

So. We’ve got a largely inoffensive host (no bad thing as such) and a bunch of cooks with time on their hands. Playing foodie Top Trumps. That’s right, these cheffies sit around a poker table while Allwright dishes out cards to them with ingredients on. So, for example, Rankin got some cards with pictures of celery on or something. In short, it’s not that different to when the public appear on Ready Steady Cook with a bag of ‘random’ ingredients. To involve cards instead of humans merely takes out the one bond you could have had with the show… although… that’s not to say there aren’t humans involved.

At one end of the studio sit some members of the public in a scenario that isn’t unlike a miniature Blankety Blank set (at least that’s how it looks in my memory). The cooks knock up some food and then the public scoff. Thankfully, I mean that in both senses of the word. Whilst they eat, it seems that they have revenge in their eyes. Some chirrup “Oh! Lovely!” whilst others take it far too seriously and cough up lines that they’ve clearly been mulling over in the lead up to the chew. One lady, winking to camera and obviously looking for a job quipped “that’s the nicest bacon cappuccino I’ve ever had”. I was surprised when the canned laughter didn’t kick in.

I know I’ve rambled on and on about this show, so I’ll wrap up. Basically, this programme is rubbish. It looks cheap and nasty. The food is uninspiring. The celeb chefs look listless and preoccupied. If you’ve read this far, then you’ve probably spent more time thinking than the people behind Food Poker. I’d be amazed if this sees a second series… it’s awful, even by daytime TV standards… and that’s saying something.