Even if I didn’t know that Fanny Hill (BBC Four, Monday, 9pm) was a bawdy tale about a lady of the night, I would have guessed within seconds of the opening of the show. There was so much winking and knowing looks that it felt like a Carry On… film. It was so blindingly obvious that it left me stating out loud that “Anyone would think she’s a madam”. Of course, I was talking about Mrs Brown – the madam of the show.

Within 20 minutes, we saw Fanny having a lesbian encounter, and then sending a bloke off “half cock”, resulting in Fanny squawking “he was all over me like a mad beast!” The man, a rich odious type, was furious and left with “20 guineas spent” in his trousers (if you catch my drift). Fanny’s virginity remained intact. In that opening sequence, we also saw a frankly alarming amount of “puppies with pink noses”. Again, I must point out that all these puns are not from my hand, rather, from the mucky mind of the show. I felt cheated that Kenneth Williams hadn’t burst in and let out a slow moan and a double entendre.

Another curious aspect of the show is how every single sentence uttered seemed to end in “I’m sure.” It’s almost as if every character is a cross between a pirate and Jar Jar Binks from the new Star Wars films. Aside from that, Fanny Hill, initially, is and was, incredibly naive. So naive that at times she seems a bit like someone with learning difficulties. When she first sees a penis, she coos “That thing… the corporal had… it was so big and angry looking…”. Speaking of members, I’ve no idea why the female genitals are called ‘fanny’, but I’m betting it’s something to do with this. I could look it up, but I’d rather speculate.

Naturally, Fanny, all green around the gills (don’t be so disgusting, I’m referring to her wide eyes as opposed to some horrendous disease) gets her first man after he sweet talks her. “Are you an angel Fanny?” Of course, her bosom heaves and she pants and oooooohhhh… it’s all so sweet. Of course, she’s minutes away from a ramming from a rascal. I should point out that the last sentence was typed out before anything happened… so I’m guessing… let’s see. Is it love? Or is it a fumble in a gutter?

A long drawn out scene takes place with the pretense of marriage in a boarding house. Sly looks. Optimistic piano music with strings. It all implies imminent sweetness. A tender kiss! Then… she derobes! More panting! The rascal! They “press on!” And once her “wounds had healed” they sex each other up again except this time, it wasn’t so grimy and quick…. more “melting transport” (whatever that means) and they rutted like posh pigs for three days. Fanny and her beau go out to the shops in a period drama equivalent of a kooky Janet Jackson video. Instead of trying on hats and riding in convertibles, they buy some dresses and little flowers. Then, they go see the blokes papa so they can get married. Of course, the dad is the bloke she left all ‘half cock’. Out into the streets they go without a penny and the cries of “whore” in their ears.

The pair are really going to make a go of it. It doesn’t matter what it takes. Why? True love conquers all doesn’t it? Eh? Of course it doesn’t. He’s a cowardly swine and buggered off on a ship. All this desperation and debt (not to mention her losing her baby) leaves her with only one option surely? The show doesn’t give anything away, but I’m presuming it involves an alarming amount of “puppies” and rising and falling buttocks. What’s the point of this show? Entertaining costume drama for the masses? Fun and bawdy tale to titillate? I’ll tell you what this is… it’s wanking with doilys.