Ah. The Dragon’s Den (BBC Two, Monday, 9pm). What do you need to know about the Dragons? Well, they’re so horrible that they can be seen glaring at someone trying to raise money for Children in Need in an ad. That’s right. Even if you want money for sick kids, you have to impress these heartless bastards!

A new series, a new face (or Dragon if you prefer) and the same old format. Pithy put-downs, glaring aghast, nerves, sweating and shouting “I’m out!”. Yep, you know where you are with this show… so what happened last night then? Let’s have a look over the jump shall we?

From the off, DD continued as the TVs most ridiculous theatre of cruelty. A David Beckham looklike pitched his wares… notably a lookalike business to let members of the public have a ‘celebrity experience’. Amazingly enough, the Goldenballs doppelganger sounded more and more like Beckham the more nervous he got through his pitch. As his throat tightened so his voice did rise and squeak. It became uncanny. As he fell to pieces he said “I can’t speak” he began to look for all the world like a well dressed village idiot. Again. The impression continued to impress. He then roped in a Will Smith and a Johnny Depp (dressed up as a pirate mind you… I reckon anyone would look a bit like Johnny Depp if you did ‘em up like that). After watching three men stand around looking a bit like someone else, they were all promptly booted down the stairs and essentially told to piss off. Yep. You know where you are with…

Of course, the Den isn’t just about morons suffering at the hands of the business people. Some festival organisers impressed with their sell and general good organising and confidence. In fact, their pitch was so impressive that the dragons actually turned on each other. Like sharks sat in a pool of blood and live pigs, they swirled around and snapped randomly at anything that moved. They glared at each other and tried to talk over each other. When one offered, another trumped them, another offers something else, then something else and… they were basically short of offering sexual favours. I’ll tell you that, when I started thinking in those terms, I saw scenes from Caligula. I don’t mind telling you that it was a horrendous image unfurling in my mind.

Some saps peddling a dating site failed miserably and, obviously tired of being kicked by a bunch of heartless vampires, one of them had a pop at Peter Jones “I hope you enjoy the site…” which saw Peter Jones volleying back “I don’t struggle to get dates because I’m seriously handsome and wealthy”. Aside from the obvious glaring error on Peter ‘Pugfaced Prat’ Jones, one thing he proved is that the Dragons are completely hideous people who actually thrive when hurting people’s feelings. You can try it on with them, but in the end, they’ll be more cruel and barbed. In short, they’re all a set of (Hang on! You really can’t call them that – Editor)

Forgetting the odious swine calling themselves Dragon, the main problem with the show is new footage… or the lack of it. So much of the programme is repeated in clips, intros and round-ups that it feels like you only end up watching 10 new minutes. Contestants are squeezed in and rushed in favour of watching people walk up steps, slow shots of Duncan Bannatyne grimacing and close up shots of piles of money. Really, this show is so cheaply made that they really don’t need to try and compensate by trying to set a mood. This ain’t cinema… it’s a TV show which encourages already soulless vapid gits to destroy people’s morale. I suppose the saving grace of the edit is that the pain isn’t drawn out for long periods.