I have to admit I wasn’t fully focussed at the beginning of this week’s Dancing With the Stars since my husband had just fetched a Chinese takeaway and it would’ve been rude to ignore it in favour of the telly. Of course, the telly *was* on – we’re not posh.

Sabrina Bryan was out first. Since last week I’ve learned that she’s a member of The Cheetah Girls (which is funny since Calista Flockhart’s character mentioned them on Brothers & Sisters and I thought they were fictional). They’re the US Spice Girls apparently (though a commenter on my last post claimed that Sabrina is, basically, a professional dancer and so shouldn’t be allowed to compete in DWTS). So it’s perhaps not surprising that her Jive was completely brilliant and the judges thought so too.

Cameron Mathison’s Tango was … odd. His dancing was fine, but it just didn’t seem like a Tango to me. There was no passion at all. Judge Len Goodman said it lacked the character of the Tango, but Bruno Tonioni thought it was a big improvement on last week.

I’ve learned more about Mark Cuban since last week too. He’s only a freakin’ billionaire! He’s really attractive, don’t you think? No, I’m just kidding. His Jive was pretty terrible. Out of time, he had a daft open-mouthed grin on his face and, really, he just can’t dance. But he’s a billionaire! A billionaire, people! And while I don’t think a “billionaire entrepreneur” is a celebrity, I do think it’s pretty cool. At least he’s achieved something in his life, which is more than you can say for a lot of the so-called celebs on these reality shows. The judges were surprisingly kind, saying they could see a development from last week’s performance. Maybe he’s offered them a little sweetener … just joking! I’m sure they’re above reproach!

I’m sorry to keep going on about her looks, but I just can’t see Kelly 90210 in Jennie Garth. But I can’t tell what’s different either. Teeth? Nose? Eyes? Her Tango was fantastic, though. Absolutely brilliant. I think there were a couple of missteps, but it was so, so good. Dramatic, passionate and flat out fabulous.

Mel B’s Jive was absolutely fantastic too. I actually preferred it to Sabrina’s, it was more fun and sexier too. Although I have one question – how do these women who have recently had babies do the splits without wetting their pants? Do you know, people have criticised Mel’s dance partner, Maksim, for loving himself too much, but I think he’s hilarious. And he’s got a smokin’ bod. (But is he a billionaire? No. Call me, Mark!)

Wayne Newton looked, if this is possible, even more disturbing with a hat, fake moustache and ponytail for the Tango (Len said he looked like the cat out of Shrek). What can I say about it really? There was no dancing (from him, poor Cheryl, his partner, absolutely flogged herself). He just walked around. In fact, she dragged him around. It made me want to watch Weekend At Bernies again.

Hmm. First there was Cameron with an odd Tango and then there was Floyd Mayweather with an odd Jive. It didn’t seem much like a Jive to me at all. It was really good, I enjoyed it (particularly the fancy skipping moves at the beginning), but it just wasn’t very Jivey.

Jane Seymour’s mum died during the week and yet she’s carrying on with the show since Strictly Come Dancing was her mum’s favourite and when Jane told her she was appearing on the US version, she apparently spoke for the first time since having a stroke. That tearjerking enough for you? It was so tearjerking for me, I missed half her bloody Tango, but the judges loved it. And Carrie Ann Inaba was clearly choked up.

Helio Castroneves’ Jive was really good, but I didn’t think he was quite at 100% energy. He bloodied his knee at the end though, so you’ve got to give him credit for that. Bruno said it wasn’t quite up to snuff technically and the scores weren’t as good as last week.

I was pleasantly surprised by Marie Osmond’s Mambo last week and her Tango was good too. They had this camp thing going on with the music (“Marvellous musical interpretation,” Len said), but it wasn’t *too* camp and she is very entertaining to watch. “The Tango is a labour of love and tonight I need an epidural,” she said. Heh. Bet she can’t do the splits.

I was actually rather surprised to find that was it. How many contestants? Nowhere near as many as Strictly Come Dancing, that’s for sure. (I could scroll up and count, but I’m still full from the Chinese.)

As last week, it was over to Not Going Out for me and only back to see the actually final result. Of course, that meant missing Billy Ray Cyrus duetting with his daughter Miley, but you can’t have everything. So I switched over to find Wayne, unsurprisingly, and Floyd, quite surprisingly, in the bottom two.

Thankfully, common sense prevailed and Wayne was out. And he seemed neither surprised nor disappointed. To celebrate, I looked up his age. He’s 65. Oh dear. Despite the fact that he’s botoxed to oblivion, he looks older. Sorry, Wayne.

Dancing With the Stars, UKTV Gold, Friday 19 October, 8pm

Dancing With the Stars Week 2