When Nigella Lawson isn't shamelessly pimping her ample arse around Waitrose (product placement is something that Lawson truly excels at) she's trying to convince us proles that she's just like us. How sweet of her. Now, I hadn't watched anything with Nigella in since her Christmas shows... and they were incredibly bad... so I thought I'd tune into her latest vehicle - Nigella Express (BBC2, Monday, 8.30pm) - to see if she'd learned anything.

Of course she hasn't. Now, occasionally, I like a bit of a swear in my articles. Of late, I've been asked to watch my potty mouth, which is fair enough... but sometimes a show gets me so very riled that it all comes vomiting up. Nigella Lawson is great at making me cuss. The programme makers, along with Ms Lawson, are obvious out-of-touch know nothings who rely on what they imagine people to be, and of course, a sense of camp. Hilariously, they fail miserably on both counts.

At the start of the show we see Nigella sat on a bus. Ha. It's seemingly the only bus in the whole of London... no... scratch that... THE WORLD... that contains no adverts plastered on the side, no pissy old ladies and no yoofs sat listening to tunes on their phones on loud speakers. This is a bus that travels around Nigellaland. A place where everyone winces when food is a soupçon too hot, where every single child is blessed with a laptop and where everyone hasn't a care for money. If I tried to get on her bus, they'd chuck me off for having come from too wide of a gene pool.

One of the main reasons for Lawson's popularity is her looks... which have fallen into a state of rolling chubbiness. I normally don't bite at things like this, but this is the daughter of a Tory MP... a Tory MP that she's slowly morphing into. Still, that doesn't bother the producer of the show. Throughout, we see Nigella swishing her hair in slo-mo whilst getting out of taxis and putting the washing on and the like. She really is just like us! How sweet of her to come down to our level!

While Nigella may be a half decent cook, it is clear that she's no actress. Last night I witnesses the TV chef engaging in a horrendously forced acted sequence with her son which saw her woodenly chirruping "you have to do your weekend homework tonight because it will only take me 20 minutes to cook dinner..." You're meant to gasp at the '20 minutes' but instead, are drawing in breath at the notion of 'weekend homework'... that... and her son's obscenely tight red jeans. Not to mention that (and my girlfriend spotted this) Nigella is looking a bit "drug mental". Y'know? Like Britney Spears does at the minute. Behind the tousled hair are two very vacant eyes indeed.

Now, I'd mentioned that the last time I saw her was at Christmas. Well, gone is Nigella's luxurious Christmas home (she probably has a few houses in fairness) and in comes a stark cold gaff that exudes 'I'm in such a hurry! How quaint!' It's more patronising than a primary school teacher multiplied by Cook Yourself Thin (squared). The point of this dismal show is that she's in a hurry. It's situation cooking. Sitcok if you like. It's all very well saying you can create a 90 course meal in 3 seconds... but we don't have the luxury of editing and having all our ingredients pre-chopped and measured do we? Or a Polish man to wash the pots and clean away our dishes.

Reading my previous article about her, I mentioned her speech defect. It's not gone away. However, I can sidestep her "cweeture" as it's a bit crass attacking someone for their wolling Rs (although no-one minds calling Jonathan Ross 'Wossy'). What is a new advent is the inane grin that punctuates every single sentence (grin). It's infuriating (grin). I could punch someone (grin). I could spend a week trying to kick myself into a coma (grin). With this grinning is the ever-present 'sexiness'. When flirting with some prawns, she says "These look positively pwimeval!" That worries me. Any other cook would say "look how ACE these look!"

This show is meant to show how Nigella is just one of us. She isn't. She's the embodiment of someone who is so wealthy... and has always been wealthy... that she has absolutely no idea of how people live. This show contains 'things from the pantry'. Like Moroccan garlic paste, scented oils, scallops and sherry. 'We all have those don't we?' she winks... no... when I've got nowt in, I see things like old pasta, some crackers that have gone soft, something with mold on it and some tomato puree. Not. F*******. Moroccan paste. Will someone take this show outside to the bins please? No... not the recycling ones. The one that goes and sticks things in the dump for seagulls to tear apart with their diseased beaks. [Mof Gimmers]