Much like Strictly Come Dancing, I find myself looking forward to Dancing With the Stars for most of the week (no, I haven’t got a life, you’re right). This week the remaining couples each had to perform two dances – one Ballroom, one Latin – so the pressure was on.

With Heather Mills knocked out in last week episode (which I didn’t see until very late on thanks to the BBC moving it from Sunday to Monday and me thinking they hadn’t shown it at all), Laila Ali is the only woman left in the competition and she was out first with the Quickstep. She looked amazing, as always, made it look effortless and scored 29.

John Ratzenberger was in the bottom two last week and Judge Len Goodman hurt his feelings by describing his as a “ruptured duck”. This week, his first dance was the Foxtrot and it was great. To be fair, he didn’t actually do much – his amazing partner Edyta mainly danced around him – but what he did do looked good.

Apolo Anton Ohno’s first dance was also the Foxtrot and it was a lovely routine. He also makes it look effortless and his partner Julianne’s choreography is always good value. I loved it. Len said it had no sophistication, which I (and Bruno Tonioni) disagreed with. They’re such a cute couple – they remind me of Louisa Lytton and Vincent Simone in the last season of Strictly – they seem to genuinely get on well and it comes across in their dancing.

“My mom always said if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say it,” said Ian Ziering. “Obviously, the judges have never heard that.” But – duh – what on earth is the point of the judges if they only give you positive feedback? It drives me mad when the amateurs criticise the professionals. Their Tango was … weird. His posture looked bad, they’d added a move that was obviously meant to be “fun” but I thought it was “stupid” and Ian didn’t look very comfortable. The judges gave him three 9s though, so perhaps I’m wrong (although that’s never happened before…).

Billy Ray Cyrus’s Jive last week was a total abomination, but he’s so sweet, he gets away with it. This week he insisted that his partner Karina dance alone at the beginning of the waltz to “showcase” her talent. It wasn’t long and, when he joined in, he looked about as comfortable as he’s ever looked. He’s definitely growing in confidence, but there didn’t seem to be an awful lot of waltzing in there. In fact it was over almost as soon as it began. The judges agreed with me that there wasn’t enough content (“There was only on recognisable step,” said Len, “and it was a Samba step so I don’t know what it was doing in there.”) and gave him a very low score: 17.

Last week Joey Fatone was variously described as “a swashbuckling, insane, randy, fighting cockerel”. I love him and I’m obviously not alone since there was a bunch of girls in the audience screaming for him. His Foxtrot – to a swing version of Michael Jackson’s The Way You Make Me Feel – was very Old Hollywood and I loved it. He’s such a good dancer and his partner devises such fun routines. Len thought it had too much “razzle-dazzle”, the fool. They got a 29.

For the Latin, Laila was back with a totally fabulous Samba. Loved it, loved it, loved it. “Best dance so far,” said Len. They got a well-deserved perfect score.

Edyta said that her and John Ratzenberger’s Rumba was going to be difficult because of the age difference, with the Rumba being such a bedroom dance. There was no chemistry, he looked uncomfortable, and it was much more about Edyta than John, but the judges were quite encouraging.

Apolo’s next dance was the Mambo and, oh my goodness, was it ever fast. It was transfixing. Len said he couldn’t call it great – his standards are very high for the better dancers and quite low for the weaker dancers. Bruno pointed out that Anton looks like he’s been dancing all his life and it’s true that he looks like a professional. He’s amazing.

Ian and Cheryl also danced the Mambo. It was good and he looked, for once, like he was having fun, but I thought the routine was a bit boring and he also looked a bit heavy-footed, but, again, the judges liked it so what do I know?

Billy Ray’s Samba was actually probably his best dance, but it was also a cynical ploy for votes – they danced to Living In America, he wore a Stars & Stripes belt buckle and there was a billowing flag on the screens at the back. Oh and Karina wore very little.

Last up was Joey with a Jive. The moves were really impressive – man, that guy can high-kick! – but it was a bit too silly for me. Too camp … and I like camp. Bruno said it was a “smashing showcase of [his] talent” and they got yet another perfect score.

The final tally had Joey and Laila tied at the top and Billy Ray at the bottom. Billy Ray and John were in the bottom two and when John’s name was called Billy Ray looked absolutely gutted. It was fair, but Billy Ray has to go next week.

Dancing With the Stars, BBC1, Sunday 9 September, 4.15pm

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