When you're giving a TV programme a kicking, you are mostly looking for that one line that manages to undercut the whole premise of the show whilst hitting the nail square on the head. It's a very difficult skill, but one seemingly owned by a Manchester judge.

The judge condemned ITV1's The Jeremy Kyle Show as a "human form of bear baiting" after a guest on the programme became the first person convicted of assault on a British talk show. Manchester district judge Alan Berg (officially my new hero) made his comments after David Staniforth was fined £300 plus £60 costs for headbutting bus driver Larry Mahoney during a row on stage.

Mr Staniforth had been on the daytime show to describe how Mr Mahoney had an affair with his wife Jennifer after moving into their home as a lodger. As the pair squared up to one another on stage, Mr Staniforth was filmed headbutting his rival, leaving him with blood pouring out of his nose.

Mr Staniforth later claimed he only lashed out because he had become emotional at seeing his wife again and was furious at seeing Mr Mahoney as well as being criticised by Kyle during filming at the Granada TV studios in Manchester earlier this year. Sentencing Mr Staniforth, Mr Berg was scathing about the programme, which is aired from 9.25am on weekday mornings on ITV1.

"It seems to me that the whole purpose of the Jeremy Kyle show is to effect a morbid and depressing display of dysfunctional people who are in some kind of turmoil," said Mr Berg. "It is for no more and no less than titillating members of the public who have nothing better to do with their mornings than sit and watch this show which is a human form of bear baiting which goes under the guise of entertainment. The people responsible for this, namely the producers, should in my opinion be in the dock with you, Mr Staniforth."

Now THAT is a TV review!

Giving evidence, Mr Staniforth also claimed to have been duped by the production team into appearing on the show. "The producer said to me that he had spoken to my wife and there might be a chance of a reconciliation," he told the court. "I felt I was manipulated into appearing on the show in an attempt to reconcile with my wife which I think was said now as just a ploy to get me on the show. My opinion is that they wanted to boost the ratings and were short of guests. Jeremy Kyle was very rude to me - he believed everything that my wife said - even though he didn't know me. He was rude and he called me 'Davey boy' which given his position I think was rude. Then when Larry came out I had no intention of getting up but he started pointing me and shouting and before I knew it I was on my feet and I headbutted him."

An ITV spokeswoman defended the show, insisting: "The programme provides an opportunity for people to resolve pre-existing disputes and personal issues on neutral territory, with the offer of counselling, mediation and support..." BLAH BLAH BLAH. It's not your turn to talk moron. See? It's not nice when someone cuts you short and starts acting like a rude swine with you is it? [Mof Gimmers]