Channel 4 has been a good pupil in the past, giving this teacher a lot to smile about. Brass Eye was a particularly good project. On an exchange trip, Channel 4 brought back a young man called Bill Hicks which livened us all up no end… although his temper could be a little wild at times. Of course, it hasn’t been all peaches and cream with this erratic student.

I recall early in this pupil’s school career that there was a penchant for the ridiculous. Early projects included a troupe of dancing children in racy outfits which perplexed and appalled in equal measure. Sadly Channel 4 has not been able to let go of controversy which, apart from disrupting classmates, has led me to believe that this student actually enjoys the negative attention. So how has Channel 4 fared this past term? Let’s have a look shall we? What was that? It’s ‘yes sir…’

Religious Studies

The student has taken great pride in focusing on R.E. Recently we’ve seen a Beginners Guide To Evangelicism which thrilled and entertained in a most unexpected way. Johnny Vegas’ and his quest for Christianity surprised all. In typical stubborness, Channel 4 also showed Keith Allen Will Burn In Hell, which saw Christianity getting a royal kicking. In the interests of fairness, Channel 4 has been keen to show both sides of the coin. To add to this, we’ve had alternative Christmas speeches and Richard Dawkins charging around prodding all those who follow religion and spirituality. As far as ethics and religion go, Channel 4 has excelled in generating debate.

PE

Channel 4 has consistently appeared with notes from mum claiming to be far too sickly to partake in any sporting activities. This student seems to prefer sitting on the sidelines remonstrating with dogs (It’s Me Or The Dog) and sulkily reading books. This pupil was a fine cricketer a while back, but now we see a far more studious child that is intent on dieting and faddish fashions (as we’ve seen in You Are What You Eat, Cook Yourself Thin and 10 Years Younger).

Science

This pupil has taken the initiative in science classes and gone as far as becoming the one stop shop for many social experiments. We’ve seen yet more projects revolving around a house in Elstree, but sadly, Big Brother has begun to leave a sour taste in the mouth as it no longer relies on innovative ideas. The last Big Brother project was incredibly lazy by Channel 4′s standards and leaned heavily on faux-scandal and making stars of moronic idiots. Here at the school, we had to have a word with the channel about the joining in of the bullying of an Asian pupil (Shilpa Shetty). It would seem that a furore has dogged Channel 4 since this.

That’s not to say Science has been a waste of time for this pupil. We’ve seen work with Dr Gunther Von Hagens which, as disgusting and vile as leaving dead bodies all over the classroom is, it provide a great source of interest. This pupil does however, need to learn to clear up after itself.

Maths

Channel 4 has been a steady participant in Mathematics. There has been no great improvement in output from this nerdy pupil, but the standard hasn’t dropped either. Success with Deal Or No Deal continues and, after a slight Des Lynam shaped dip, Countdown continues to appeal.

Home Economics

Home Economics has been a very patchy subject for Channel 4, and to be honest, the attitude of the channel has started to try our patience at the school. When this student actually concentrates for a minute, it comes up with great ideas, such as The River Cottage Treatment. Channel 4′s friend, Hugh, maybe a scruffy little bugger, but he certainly knows what he’s doing and could teach the channel a hell of a lot. Sadly, most of the time, Channel 4 is keen to be the class prat. With Cook Yourself Thin, You Are What You Eat and various Gordon Ramsay projects, we’ve seen a huge drop in standards and hard work, in favour of shouting incredibly loudly and attention seeking. Channel 4 was sent to the headmaster about the continued abuse of some of the more rotund students, but as yet, has gone unpunished. Thankfully, they are sometimes accompanied by the wondeful gals of How Clean Is Your House?

Music

Channel 4 likes to tell his classmates about its great musical mind and fondness for discovering
unheard of bands. However, in reality, we’ve seen a pupil content to smugly sit in a corner twittering on about Keane B-sides and doodling the names of bass players on its school bag. The Popworld assignment was initially a superb idea. Working with classmates Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver proved very productive and often hilarious (even for the teachers). However, since Amstell and Oliver were moved up a set, we’ve seen the student revert back to attention seeking and hanging around with the class runts, Alex Zane and Alexa Chung. It would seem this pupil is very easily distracted and has now become something of a class joke.

Drama

Once, Channel 4 was the star pupil in Drama, especially in their comedy work. In the past, we’ve seen Cheers, Chris Morris collaborations, Frasier and the vacuous but popular Friends. However, Channel 4 has seemingly neglected their drama this year favouring home grown ideas that are largely childish, tawdry, needlessly pithy and short sighted. Instead of focusing on its strengths, namely imports like My Name Is Earl, we’ve seen terrible projects like 8 Out of 10 Cats, The IT Crowd, Fonejacker, Star Stories and The Friday Night Project. It seems that Channel 4 is only as good as the classmates it chooses to associate with, and this standard has seemingly dropped off the radar. Perennial faves such as The Simpsons are still present in Channel 4′s work, however, with continued repeats, it seems that it is relying on old ideas a little too much.

Sadly, more serious attempts at drama have proven to be disasterous. Their Skins project was one of the worst pieces of work I’ve ever had to mark. It only proves that, if a pupil does their homework, then their classwork will meet the high standards we expect in this school. Instead, we get a woolly notion of reality which could only exist on the middle class suburbia where this pupil resides.

Comments

The PlusOne service has been a good addition for this pupil, leading us to wonder why other classmates haven’t adopted it. However, as good an idea it is, the Channel 4 shows are generally of a poor quality. Where we once had ideas and a great valuing of diversity, we’ve seen this pupil leaning far too heavily on Big Brother. It is noticeable that Channel 4′s main rival in class, BBC Two, has outstripped them in class, with a higher quality of classwork and participation. Controversy still hangs like a bad smell over this student, with phone-in scandals, race-rows, accusations of rigging experiments to get the results they want and generally lethargy. Channel 4 was once a star pupil of mine, but now, is intent on destroying its good name in the staff room. Much improvement is needed or this student will be going on report.

Overall grade for the year: C-