The Virgin Diaries (TMF, Tuesday, 10pm). Yeah? Man, dem bwoy try an’ git with me yeah? *sucks teeth* I don’t want no boy y’getmeh? I need a man yeah? Someone peng! PENG! I know amma virgin yeah? I ain’t gonna be no nun right? Yeah? Y’getmeh? Raas. I’m lookin’ for a boy dem bum! BUM BUM! Oh my days! Oh my gosh! Boys only be wantin’ the zoomzoom… but… naaah… respectahgyal. Yeah? Y’getmeh?

Watching a episode of The Virgin Diaries, at times, is like trying to solve out the inner workings of the Rosetta Stone. The yoof of today certainly know English, but as ever, have created a divide with a bastardisation of it, leaving anyone over 25 scratching their head and wondering what all that noise was that hit your ears. Yeah? One advantage that I have is that I run a website called GrimGraf, which alerted me to many of the phrases used in last night’s show. If someone is “bum”, they are cool. It’s more like “Booom!” than, well, arse.

So, in picking apart the words and phrases of Sophia (from Nottingham) in last night’s Virgin Diaries, it would seem that, as the title of the show suggests, she wants to lose her virginity. Of course, filming it and sticking it on MTV/TMF may well scare off a few suiters, but when did that ever stop a fame hungry teen? Sophia is an intimidating figure. Small and stocky, Sophia machine gunned words from her mouth and demanded a man. Boys just don’t cut it. It’s a man she wants, and y’all git if you ain’t up to scratch.

Like any other teen, Sophia placed huge emphasis on her virginity. The millstone ’round her neck meant that she couldn’t function on a night out if there were no decent looking boy agwaan. This, of course, only added to her frustrations. The virginal itch compounded her angst against the world. Essentially, she’s like every other teen in the entire world. I blame the hormones… and it’s probably hip hop’s fault as well (everything is isn’t it?)

Watching this show is a strange experience. I mean, when did TV gain access to the thoughts of randy young kids? In the past we had Why Don’t You? which showed kids messing about in a scout hut with a burst football and some airfix glue, and shows like We Are The Champions which involved a lot of swimming. Now, these little shits are terrorising the nation with boob tubes and everyone of them, media savvy. When I was a teen, I’d stare at my posters day dreaming about the fit girls who I’d like to sex. Now, teen oiks get to lose their virginity and no doubt video the event on their phones for later use.

In short, The Virgin Diaries reminds you that life just isn’t fair. [Mof Gimmers]