I’ve been a very loud supporter of American TV here on the Scoop, but even I concede that some US product is rubbish (just flick to channel ABC1 on Sky 170 or Freeview 15 – it’s full of it.) One such heap of garbage is Sky One’s new dating agency ‘comedy’ Lovespring International. As I write this I search for pithy putdowns and caustic quips (and other such shameless excuses for alliteration), but the complete vacuum of humour that is LI has drained me.

For the happily ignorant, Lovespring International is an improvisational show so impressed by itself that it forgets about its audience. Jokes, who needs jokes? This is improvising! Improvising is a dangerous word when tagged with comedy, for more often than not, it means endless drivel without a punch-line. And if there was anything remotely amusing in LI, I must have missed it.

Opening with a double-bill last night, the show started with text introducing LI as “an elite Beverly Hills dating agency. Located in Tanzina, California” – how funny is that? Tanzina isn’t in Beverly Hills. Genius. We then had each of the primary six characters talking to camera about their role within the dating agency. There was Victoria, the CEO with a penchant for refreshing weekend breaks, Burke, the Senior Vice-President who is gay but in the closet, Lydia, the Vice-President who has dated the same married man for 20 years, Steve, the barmy psychiatrist, Alex, the “videographer/ love finder for you” and lastly Tiffany, the obligatory ditzy blonde receptionist. After this neat and tidy beginning, we found that this was a promotional video for the company. Oh, clever. Introducing yourselves to us, like you would a client. Smart work.

The first of the two episodes (and yes, I endured both), focussed on unhappy client Mindy Levine. Mindy, a gold-level member, found that all her dates fell in love with her immediately and required a man that would prove more of a challenge. This was found to be desperate wishful-thinking, when an ill-advised feedback system instigated by Burke, found Mindy’s dates far from in love with her. Instead they all mocked her habit of flicking her long hair, leading Mindy to sob wildly in the toilets and Burke to beg forgiveness from Victoria.

The plot for the second episode was equally thin, despite Eric McCormack (Will from Will and Grace, and inexplicably, executive producer for this sorry excuse for a show) guest starring. Will, sorry Eric, played Roman, a prospective client that inadvertently fell in love with Lydia through a shared appreciation of sharks. I wish I was joking, if I am it would be more than they bothered to do.

For a half-hour programme, having only one plot per show made the pacing slow and clunky. The set for the dating agency looked cheap and these limited production values really diminished the sense of location or atmosphere. The acting was hammy, contrived and silly – at no point did the characters ever seem real or even entertaining. There was little or no logic to a lot of the set-ups and often the tone shifted awkwardly and inappropriately. When Roman died, having been mauled by horny dogs (again, I’m not making this up), there was no sense of black comedy, just me cringing from behind my cushion.

I could go into more detail and vent any Monday-itus into a demolition job on LI, but it really isn’t worth it. The show was cancelled in the States after one season and I can see why. What I don’t understand is how it came to be – who thought this was a winning formula for comedy? Eric McCormack was funny in Will and Grace, but his producing skills are going to need some honing if this is anything to go by. Similarly, I’m confused by the presence of the excellent comedic actress, Jane Lynch, in this whole sorry affair. As Victoria, she was peripheral to most of the action (can I hope on purpose?), but she has previously been stellar in everything from 40 Year Old Virgin to Arrested Development. I know you’re one of the hardest working actresses around Jane, (her list of work on IMDb is huge), but why this? Did you owe someone a favour or did they have dirt on you?

If anyone reading this was similarly traumatised by Lovespring International, you have my sympathy. We may never meet or come to know anything about each other, but we can be like old war-buddies sharing the same scars of battle. We have looked into the dark chasm of shoddy improvisation ‘comedy’ and have survived. We may be dogged by nightmares and have to turn off the TV come 10.35pm on a Sunday night, just in case the remote control is accidentally knocked onto Sky One, but we will take strength from this and maybe, one day, will tentatively watch another new comedy again. Let’s hope we’re up to it comrades.