With all of the original male contestants, but only two of the women remaining, the Stars took on the Samba and the Rumba.

Samba-ing out first was Ian Ziering, looking uncomfortable and with a hairdo that gave him an air of Spike from Gremlins. I didn’t actually think it was even as good as his first week’s dance. Judge Len Goodman said it was competent.

Clyde Drexler’s Rumba was absolutely hopeless. He didn’t do anything. Once he’d managed to stop laughing, Bruno Tonioni said it was like a Rumba under an anaesthetic.

I suspected Heather Mills’ Samba was the dance she fell over in, so I was uncomfortable watching it and waiting. It was a pretty poor Samba anyway and then, yes, right at the end she fell and I didn’t believe it for a second. “The fact that you fell at the end just reminded me of how amazing it is that you’re in this competition,” said Carrie Ann Inaba. And that was exactly the point. You’ve kind of got to admire Heather’s blatant manipulation, haven’t you? (Haven’t you?)

I’ve got a bit of a crush on Joey Fatone and his Rumba only exacerbated it. It was sexy, passionate, totally convincing. I loved it. Len said it was a bit feminine, causing Bruno to leap out of his seat and give him the slapping he so richly deserved.

John Ratzenberger’s Samba put me in mind of a mad drunk uncle at a wedding. It made me laugh and Edita was gorgeous, but oh dear me no. “One of the best worst Sambas I’ve ever seen,” said Bruno.

My other crush, Laila Ali’s Rumba worried me because she’s so sexy and the Rumba’s such a sexy dance, I thought I might be too embarrassed to watch it. They danced to Corinne Bailey Rae’s Put Your Record On, which is just not a sexy song, but they managed to make it sexy. I didn’t like it as much as Joey’s, but I liked it. Len gave it a 10.

Apolo Ohno’s amazing Samba got a well-deserved standing ovation. It was sexy, fun, exciting and it got full marks. Yes, three 10s from the judges. Brilliant.

Bless Billy Ray Cyrus. He seems shy, so the Rumba was bound to be difficult for him. He was stiff and, like Clyde, his partner basically danced around him.

Clyde was (deservedly) at the bottom of the board and Apolo deservedly top (although I actually preferred Joey’s dance).

After the interminable stalling (a reprise of Apolo and Julianne’s dance, a group swing dance, a song from Chicago, a performance by Macy Gray, behind the scenes with the make-up artists, what the stars think of the judges), Clyde and Heather were in the bottom two. I would have been happy for either of them to go (I’ve decided I don’t actually admire Heather’s cynical manipulation), but Clyde being by far the worst dancer in the competition it was right that he went.

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