I wasn’t able to review this last week cos I was on holiday. I did suggest someone else cover it, but no-one did … funny that. Anyway, I was able to watch it on NTL’s On Demand, so I do know that Paulina Porizkova was the first out (a travesty – she was nowhere near the worst). This week’s dances were Tango and Jive, two of my favourites, so my expectations were high. Actually my expectations were high because I loved last week so much.

Shandi Finnessy (pictured) was out first, dancing the Jive. She was in the bottom two last week (although she didn’t deserve to be either). It’s hard to pay attention to her dancing really, because she is just staggeringly gorgeous, but their Jive was cute and fun and I absolutely loved it.

Just realised I haven’t mentioned the judges yet. They certainly must have been told to be nicer than the British equivalent (even though two of them – Len and Bruno – are the same), but even the very slightest negative is booed by the audience. Of course, they certainly don’t have a Craig Revel Horwood style “bad judge”.

I have to admit, I’ve got a bit of a girl crush on Laila Ali. She’s so cool and confident. Her Tango, to begin with, wasn’t as fierce as I was expecting, but it really took over towards the end and gave me goosebumps (although that could have been the music – Goldfinger). They were criticised by the judges for breaking body contact though and got lower scores as a result.

Apolo Anton Ohno Jive started out as the dance from Pulp Fiction – he and his partner were in Thurman and Travolta costume – and it turned into one of the most original Jives I’ve seen. It was actually a little sloppy and Apolo looked a bit tired, but it was still great.

Joey Fatone danced the Tango to the Star Wars theme. He began in one of those brown hoodie things they wear in the films (sorry, geeks, I don’t know what they’re called … or who wears them) and his partner was wearing a costume reminiscent of Princess Leia’s gold bikini. I’ve loved him the last couple of weeks, but I just couldn’t concentrate on a Tango danced to the Star Wars theme – the music completely overshadowed the routine. I was disappointed, but the judges loved it.

Leeza Gibbons was wearing the most unflattering outfit I think I’ve ever seen on any of these shows and their dance was blah. She’s pretty timid and still looks like she’s thinking about the routine. For some reason, the judges like her. She scored the same as Joey and Ian, which was completely ridiculous.

Annoying as she is – and I think we all know how annoying she is – Heather Mills’ Mambo last week was completely brilliant. It would have been brilliant if she wasn’t disabled – she did a backwards walkover, for heaven’s sake! She had a problem with the Jive, because she could neither stand on nor kick her prosthetic leg, so she went and had a bouncier one fitted. Who knew, eh? She did it in really ugly trainers and it wasn’t particularly attractive, but it was still amazing. You know, it really is incredible that she did this show. It’s a shame she’s so obnoxious, because she could be such an incredible role model.

Billy Ray Cyrus isn’t very good at all, but he is very funny, which I expect will keep him in for quite a while. “I love [the Tango]“, he said, “and if I could do it, I’d like it even more.” They actually danced to Rock the Casbah by The Clash. That’s not something you see every day. Again, like Joey Fatone’s dance, I found it distracting, but it was pretty ungainly anyway. “Part of it was like Wrestlemania,” Len said.

Because the judges are such dingbats, there was a four-way tie at the top, a three-way tie in the middle and Clyde – deservedly – at the bottom.

There’s an awful lot of filler in this show – a reprised dance by one of the contestants, three – three! – musical performances, even an audience vox pop – that presumably serves the purpose of counting the votes in the original, but is just a complete waste of time in this repeat. I don’t get why the BBC doesn’t cut it out. Are they that desperate for half an hour’s programming?

Finally – and it really was finally, following even more recapping – Shandi and Leeza were in the bottom two and Shandi was out. Yet another travesty. Who is keeping Leeza in? Who? Shandi was so much better than Leeza it was ridiculous. Leeza’d better be out next week or I won’t be happy.

Dancing With the Stars, BBC1, Sunday 12 August, 4pm

Dancing With the Stars week 1 | Who’s who on Dancing With the Stars | Who’s who on Dancing With the Stars Part 2