Ah, Come Dine with Me. Like a cross between Masterchef, Through the Keyhole and Wife Swap, it produces good viewing; tension, jealously, and best of all, food.

Surely the contestants aren’t that competitive, though? Is it really a gem in the otherwise bleak Sunday afternoon?

Hell yes. The bitchiness is intense, you cringe at the weird menu choices – a lamb main after a fishcake starter? Outrageous! – and wonder how some of the contestants cope without a therapist.

The first of the chefs was Julia, a dessert-hater. Good decision to come on the show then, love. She has her own fancy dress company, but she is also, rather frighteningly, a clown. She didn’t get onto a good start with fellow contestant, Michele. I sensed some jealously there, as Michele was a bubbly pole dancing teacher. Her garlic soup, chicken enchiladas, and chocolate chilli pudding had a bit of a Mexican feel, but it wasn’t too popular with the guests who gave her a low score.

Next up was Graham, a seemingly nice old gent who is a postman. He did surprisingly well with his starter and main dishes, but Julia tasted his pudding like it was muck. This was to be the start of a very annoying and familiar scene for each meal. Julia spitting out each bloody pudding.

Patsy, a holistic therapist, took inspiration from her Caribbean roots, as she added some spice to her courses. For starters, prawns with plantain (massive weird banana thing) and mango mayonnaise, and jerk chicken with cho cho salad for main. The evening had a fancy theme, with each guest turning up in suits and frocks. In his tuxedo, Graham looked like Kenny Rodgers. Perhaps that could be a new career for him? Moany Julia hated the massive banana thing, and she spat out the surprise course of oysters. She also freaked out over the pudding, an upside down gingerbread cake. It was at this point where I couldn’t help but yell at the TV, for her to get a bloody grip. Patsy rated highly with her guests, as she was given the lead score at this point.

The next evening, pole dancer Michele – who looked like a blond Amy Winehouse – started with a savoury cheesecake. As gross as it may sound, it was just kind of like a big quiche with breadcrumbs, and it went down well with everyone except…yes, Julia, who thought it was a bit too weird to start with. If cake is in the name, it must be sweet! The main was chicken pot pie with potatoes and vegetables, and dessert was apple tarte tatin, which Julia spat it back into her hand. For the love of god, what is wrong with the woman? If I gave up on puddings, I would give up on life.

On the final night, web-designer and half-French chap, Danny, confused everyone with his menu being en français. Is he serving a tortoise? Who knows! It was all a bit of a mystery, which soon turned into a delicious revelation that Danny was a fantastic cook. Starter was a chicken terrine with Parma ham – très bon! – his main was duck with orange and peach sauce – ooh la la! – and for dessert was a summer fruit pudding, which looked divine – fantastique! Julia ruined dessert yet again, by continuing to be the fussiest contestant ever. Really, why did you sign-up for the show?

Time for the final marks, and Danny won it. Hurrah! Numéro un! He had to. The show would have been (even more of) a travesty if he hadn’t.