I really don’t like psychologists much. They proffer woolly reasoning on the inner workings of behaviour and constantly pat themselves on the pack, all the while, giving themselves ‘get out of jail free’ cards just in case they are wildly wrong. I think they’re stealing a living. Just as well they work on Big Brother: On The Couch (Channel 4, Sunday, 8pm) then eh?

BB On The Couch is an attempt by Channel 4 to show us all how serious Big Brother is. It’s not just a vehicle for morons in various states of undress… hell no… it is honestly, would we lie to you?, fingers crossed, please believe us, social experiment. By peering into the BB house, we can look at a cross section of society and see what we’re all really like.

My eye.

Big Brother: On The Couch (from now on, called BBOTC) is a real stab at making it all up to us. I mean, they have to repay us after all that racism and all that… and a written apology before show 1 of BB8 wasn’t gonna cut it was it? So, to show they really care, they have got a load of quacks on board to probe the minds and make sure no-one needs putting on suicide watch. Of course, that’s probably the official line. I fear BB are far more interested in poking around the housemates thoughts to see how randy they are, or to see if they can tweak their grey matter into a fight or flight scenario.

Naturally, the world’s ‘best’ turn out and tell us all things about the patterns of behaviour that Housemate A has, which lets us know that he fancies Housemate B. An open hand gesture here, a brush of the leg there… however… these overpaid buffoons ALWAYS miss one thing. The housemates in question were Brian and Amanda. Aside from all these ‘gives’ and ‘tells’ we can rely on something quite straightforward. Our ears. Brian told Amanda he fancied her. He then snogged her under a blanket with incredibly high volumed slurps. Now, I don’t need a degree in psychoanalysis and a rate of £2000 p/h to tell you that, albeit briefly, arousal was in the air.

Then of course, we see the little tests carried out. Housemates are asked what they can’t do with a paper clip. A more creative brain will struggle with a question like this. And…….? Well we discover that some of these people (who we don’t really care about) are more creative than others. The end. Why we would want to know this is beyond me? I dare say that the amateur psychologists of you out there are picking my words apart to decipher that I am currently in the middle of some kind of breakdown, that I have a strange relationship with one or both of my parents and that I am in fact, not very creative at all. Well, my girlfriend could tell you that… and she wouldn’t charge through the nose for it and snort hooting laughter in the direction of the talent-void that is Davina McCall. BBOTC? Bloody pointless. [Mof Gimmers]

For all you need on Big Brother, go to AvailableForPanto… quite simply the greatest thing that ever happened to reality TV.