I always get a bit prickly around weddings on TV. Too often, love isn’t allowed to breathe in favour of hair, shoes and keeping complete focus on what everyone else thinks. It’s sad, sorry and depressing. So, with that, approaching Ultimate Wedding Makeover (Five, Thursday, 7.15pm) was always going to be hazardous and ultimately, it was always going to see me losing a little more faith.

This trashy documentary series usually follows couples who go under the surgeons knife in a bid to dramatically transform themselves before they marry. A mere month before they are due to tie the knot, Wayne and Clair get hacked at in an attempt to beat the hands of time.

The great thing about being in love is having a partner who loves you back. In this relationship, it seems that things work on a more shallow level. 43 year old Wayne thinks that he looked more like his fiancee Clair’s father. Clair, younger at 28, has plenty of concerns about her own appearance too. Don’t we all? It’s that love thing again. Finding someone who loves you for who you are, and someone you find impossibly gorgeous in return is surely what love is all about? Wayne was worried that he didn’t look like the groom of Clair’s dreams. Well, after a bout with a plastic surgeon, he’s surely going to look like the groom of his dreams. I don’t believe for one second that this man… or this woman too… are acting in a selfless manner.

Would you like a twist in this little tale? Would you? This being TV, a mere makeover isn’t enough. This couple get all kinds of correction a mere month before their big day… and… and… guess what?! They don’t see each other until they walk up the aisle! Hilarious or what?! As you can tell, I’m not a fan of stunts like this. To say that I find it crass would be an understatement.

So, the pay off. Well, after watching Wayne get a face-lift and Clair (previously a good looking woman) getting a nose job, laser treatment on the ol’ eyeballs and a boob job, it was safe to say that neither of them looked like the person they did before. Would they fancy each other at crunch time? Will crunch time be “I do” or the sound of someone’s cartilage falling to bits?

In short, Clair looked largely the same… except with massive knockers. Of course, she’d had her make-up done as it was her wedding day, and thus, looked quite pretty… not to my taste, but everyone who knew her seemed keen on the whole look. Wayne however looked like a man who knew his number was up. Dressed in a suit that made him look like Lurch, dyed brown hair and a face so tight across his skull that any tears of joy shed would resemble rain water gathering on a drum-skin. He looked dreadful. The people watching the show with me all snorted hoots of derision quipping that “she must be thinking that she can have anyone now!” Aye. Anyone but Wayne.

So, do Wayne and Clair love each other? It’s hard to say. With all the stupid hang-ups that haven’t been addressed by either party, it’s difficult to imagine them being very supportive of each other. Someone once sang that love was like still water that runs deep… well… this love seemed a little too shallow for me, and the same can be said of this programme.[Mof Gimmers]