First of all, let me apologise for my lack of knowing when and where I watched this. I was at a house that wasn't mine yesterday and I've no idea what channels they have and well, I was a bit hungover. Anyways, I know it was yesterday and I know I watched America's Got Talent.

Now, years and years ago, The Beastie Boys pined "Boomin' Granny, I saw ya at the check out line, you dropped your coupons and you were lookin' fine" in their song, Boomin' Granny. Quite possibly stoned and giggling at the thought of a hip hop Nana, little did they know that someone would be crass enough to actually stick a geriatric on stage and make her flex and rhyme. However, this being America, and their willingness to show the world that they've got amazing talent, nothing should surprise you.

America's Got Talent is a very odd programme. It's one of these talent shows with a panel of judges and... well... you know the score. Hell, you've probably seen it more often than I have! Anyway, the judges of dubious talent are Brandy, David Hasselhoff and Piers Morgan. Now, Brandy, if you aren't too certain, is a drink. What is unique about this show is, in an attempt to shine a light on the fickle nature of celebrity, they've 'hired' a glass of brandy to be a judge. The silence that is always offered by the glass of booze is seen as refreshingly stoic in the face of brash and self serving celebrities. Of course, I'm fibbing. Brandy is a singer of plastic soul music and possibly the star of TV show Moesha... I'm too lazy to find out if I'm right or not.

Anyway, a panel of judges is usually people you could deem expert. Look at Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Sharon Osborne. Two of them are 'respected' in their field for being able to spin pure gold out of dung and the other has managed to spin real gold out of someone barely able to string a couple of vowels together. Even if you hate them, they're obviously good at what they do. Now, let's look at AGT. One bloke is a clap trap former newspaper editor without the first clue about the entertainment industry. Piers Morgan doesn't know what works... he merely knows how to give kickings when things are successful. Now, over to Hasselhoff and Brandy. These, like Piers, know nothing of the inner workings of making a success. They are the hired hand. They are the monkey to the organ grinder of Cowell & Co.

So why should we listen to these idiots? In short, we shouldn't. Watching these slack jawed shagsacks coo and cringe at a variety of acts is enough to make you want to top yourself. Occasionally, Morgan gets it spot on. He chastises two acts for, well, not being able to do their act properly. A juggler who can't juggle and some people who fall over on stilts. In fact, the stilts act receive a very peculiar compliment from Brandy who says "I find what you do very respectful but it's not for me". Respectful? What does that mean? It's fair that they didn't use swastikas and I don't think that they rehearse on gravestones.

No matter. This show was all about the opposite ends of the age scale. It was infant versus oxygen thief. Pageant versus commode. Gun-point versus last gasp of attention seeking. Basically, a horrendous singing child brought the house down by belting out something that made every corpse spin in their graves against the popularity of a rapping granny. This being the first time I've ever seen this show, I'm going to assume that it's already finished and the final was watched ages ago by fans of this kind of thing and, secondly, that the two finalists were Rapping Granny and The Horrendous Warbling Girl.

So what have I learned about America and it's talent. Well, judging from this show, it would seem that America, like no other country in the world, has an incredible talent for churning out dross and worse still, novelty dirge, that makes people in oversized tees jump up and down shouting "Wump!" Oh, and it's pretty good at making glitzy magicians too... [Mof Gimmers]