Originally, I was going to review last nights My Name Is Earl (Channel 4, 10pm) as it was absolutely brilliant. Earl is obviously a work of genius, is full of heart and, most importantly, it’s hilarious. So why have I decided to review 8 Out Of 10 Cats (Channel 4, Thursday, 10.30pm) which is clearly soulless tripe devoid of humour?

Presumably, the show I watched was a repeat from last Friday, so some of you may have already had a week to dwell on it. My knee-jerk reaction to this programme is the same as ever – it’s woeful. Cats is to comedy, what The Cheeky Girls are to singing. It’s a no brainer. It’s terrible. It stars Jimmy Carr. It should be taken outside and shot.

This turgid show is a gagless humour vacuum that defies belief. How hard is it to make a panel show funny? They’ve already hired a load of comedians… that’s surely half the job done? Well, yes and no. You see, if you want to make people laugh, then you need comedians that are actually funny.

First, the team captains. Sean Lock. Lock is immensely annoying. It is as clear as day that, inside that head of his, lies a great comedic brain. He says the right things and occasionally, he says them at the right time. However, a performer he clearly ain’t. Lock obviously works best on paper. Get him to write some jokes for other people to perform and you may well see me falling flat on my face with teary mirth. Once, I would have told you I hated Sean Lock. Now, I just pity him.

Over to Jason Manford. Who is Jason Manford? Well, Manford is Tesco Value Peter Kay. In fact, scratch that. Dave Spikey, former …Cats captain is the Tesco Value Peter Kay… making Manford… well… he must be the No Frills Dave Spikey. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything so horrible about a person in my life. Manford is all borrowed nostalgia and “Ey? Ey? Ey? D’yer remember them? Ey? Ey? Ey?”

Still, as much as I dislike those two prats, they don’t even come close to the intense humming of evil that eminates from the talentless moonface of Jimmy f*cking Carr. The closest thing to a laugh that Carr created last night (or last Friday… or whenever they filmed this dross) was when guest David Walliams started jibing him about the amount of make-up he was wearing. Just when Carr had the chance to revel in some banter, the best he could come up with was “f*ck you.” See that? Proper wit.

Still, as much as I loathe the human wooden spoon that is Jimmy Carr, he’s nothing compared to Alex Zane. Alex Zane defies belief. It’s hard to imagine anyone in the world ever giving this shagsack a job of almost any kind. However, those wacky sods at Channel 4 have deemed him good enough to stick on almost everything they do. Why, it wouldn’t surprised me if they fired Jon Snow and stuck that talking testicle in his place. Imagine the knowing winks and quips accompanying a horrendous rape headline or something. It’s enough to make me vomit.

8 Out Of 10 Cats, you’ll be surprised to learn, is one of my most hated programmes. Jimmy Carr is awful, as are his filthy little henchmen Lock and Manford. The guests are always uninspired, the jokes are appalling and predictable… and worse still, it keeps being recommissioned. One day, when I rule the world, I’ll stop poppycock like this. Until then, I’ll simply moan about it. [Mof Gimmers]