Why do I do it to myself? As you can see from the picture to your right, my viewing of Honey, We’re Killing The Kids (BBC3, Monday, 9pm) was fraught. This is a sort-yerself-out show that’s up their with McKeith programmes and 10 Years Younger. I can’t believe this show was ever commissioned. I’m still considering writing a letter to Ofcom to see if they’ll banish it forever… (they won’t).

Basically, this show predicts the future… and badly. Psychology expert Kris Murrin (if she’s an expert, then Gillian McKeith is a bona fide doctor) shows a family that their lifestyle will turn their children into fat monsters with the pallor of cottage cheese. Last night, we followed the track of tears left by Michelle Spencer and her 8-year-old daughter Jessica.

Let’s get the serious stuff out of the way so you can finish on some laughs. Mum Michelle Spencer is… or if this show is to be believed (which it isn’t) was, a horrendous mother. Throwing tantrums at her 8-year-old daughter, HWKD (I’m abbreviating it from now on) showed some frankly disturbing images of a shocking relationship. Watching a mother say “I’m fucking gonna knock you the fuck out” to her child is, at best, terrifying. This of course left little Jessica binge eating junk. Of course, mum had other problems, namely, the death of her husband and mother who were both morbidly obese and died young of heart disease. Since these traumas, the family had fallen apart.

However, instead of getting strength from each other, Mum Michelle leaned so hard on her daughter that it was creating a strain on a girl who should be playing with Sindy dolls as opposed to becoming an emotional crutch. Throughout the show, Michelle swore like a trooper, leaving me pondering the effect that this would have on the obviously bright Jessica. Michelle made slow progress but not without whining at every single stage of the programme. This saw her setting an awful example to her daughter… throwing stuff around the house, shouting “fuck the rules” and generally giving it every chance she got. It was incredible to see that the person pulling them both through was the 8-year-old. Now on with the kicking…

Whilst this family needed urgent help, I don’t think Kristina Murrin was the person to do it. Of course, her regime to fix the family contained some great advice, but as ever, many of the tactics used were completely needless. For those of you who haven’t seen HWKD, the show has a giant screen in a cold stark room (101). After looking at a child’s lifestyle, they peer into the future. Their findings are then projected onto the giant screen in the shape of the troubled kid at 40. Naturally, they always look horrific. Fat, menacing, big bags under the eyes, teeth missing… it’s really quite flabbergasting to watch. They give the image as some kind of fact and of course, this sees mothers breaking down uncontrollably. We’re supposed to watch this and take some kind of enjoyment out of it I think. I don’t. It’s horrible watching someone make massive assumptions about a child, potential ruin their future and then, just for kicks, make a mum have a soul destroying experience.

Kris Murrin (and presumably her team) make massive generalisations about the poor people she entertains on this show. After looking at Jessica, and after making her eat better food (and not a great deal else it has to be said) she deduces that, the Murrin Miracle (TM) means that she won’t have any abusive relationships, she’ll start wearing a business suit (if the ‘positive’ version of events on the big screen are to be believed) and live ’til she’s 600 hundred years old.

What disturbs me about this show is how adults are willing to manipulate children so they can get a desired result. Kris Murrin wants to change an adults behaviour, so instead of teaching mum to live, she instead uses the child as a pawn to guilt her into action. The child becomes a puppet for an adult want. Even if the outcome is a positive one, it’s still wrong and crass. It’s a bit like taking a mind hostage and is a sad indictment of modern living when children are used to make a point. Of course, in this case, a child is to have a better life… but as anyone with a brain knows, forcing an adult into doing something because you’ve stuck a gun to the head of a child makes for a negative experience which will end in rebellion. I imagine poor Jessica is being smothered (with love) right now and all the good habits are out of the window. [Mof Gimmers]