I’ve only gone and done it again. I’ve gone and watched a programme that has left me so terrified and nauseous that I might never leave my house ever again. If you didn’t already know, I‘m slightly obsessed with watching shows that contain real violence and idiocy. Of course, I’m not talking about 10 Years Younger, but rather, programmes that have CCTV footage of drunks pissing in their own pockets and blokes wielding rakes at petrified cashiers.

Last night, I tuned into Street Wars (Sky Three, Thursday, 11pm) to watch the unfolding of British stiff uppers and morals in a flurry of burps, kebab meat and wildly flung fists. Naturally, I’m now far too frightened to ever leave the house… or indeed, peep from under my bed to see who is knocking at my door. It’s probably some lout from Rochester wanting to kick my head clean off my shoulders for looking at his WKD or spilling his pork scratchings.

Street Wars is a fascinating show. It’s obviously cheaply made… I mean… half of the footage comes from already existing film reels (I refer you to the CCTV comment earlier) and as a result, the whole thing takes on a deservedly seedy air. For every drama or film that you see trying to recreate the feeling of a blithery Friday night, they’d do well to film the whole thing through CCTV footage because the grain and unsteady camera work leaves you with the distinct notion that you are across the road watching two morons knock seven bells out of each other. It’s marvelous.

The voice over is provided by Manc sounding Lee Boardman. Naturally, getting someone from ver norf provides us all with the notion that it’s more real and earthy. For those who don’t know who Lee Boardman is, he played Corrie villain Jez Quigley, so he surely knows a thing about throwing a theatrical punch or two. In saying that, Mr Boardman is more likely to be found sipping camomile tea and asking what his ‘motivation’ is. His dry put downs make for a hilarious viewing experience as sometimes he lets his guard down and refers to our nation of drunks as ‘idiots’ and such.

Basically, Street Wars isn’t terrifying at all (you didn’t believe me did you?). It’s an exercise in natural selection. Seeing one fool blood covered in the back of a police van trying to explain that he’s walked into a door (regardless of the stab wound and a hi-heeled shoe stuck in his forehead) means that people like you and me will thrive and people like this will eventually lose so many brain cells that they will ultimately be sold on as kebab meat. Viva la revolution! [Mof Gimmers]