I’ve done only gone and done it again. I’ve ended up watching a property programme… even though I have absolutely no interest in buying a house, looking at someone else buying a house or indeed, the values of houses in various parts of Britain. That said, I could probably feign interest in such a thing as it could feel a bit like nosing around in someone’s life. That said, the people that Location, Location, Location (Channel 4, Wednesday, 8pm) find are so infuriating that it makes me think up amazing and violent actions which I couldn’t ever hope to share with you on these pages.

Thankfully for LLL (I’m not typing out the word ‘location’ again), they have a pair of presenters who you can’t help but like. They know their stuff, they actually have that old fashion TV thing called ‘chemistry’ and they get ratty with the idiots thrown their way. Of course, I’m talking about Kirsty Allsop and Phil Spencer.

LLL looked at a right pair of dimwits with too much money to throw around. First-time buyer and property obsessive Adam has been searching for a place for himself and his girlfriend Alexandra for the last nine months. In that time, they could have had a fun life in one of Europe’s major cities. Instead, Adam chased his tail ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round to the princely total of five-hundred-and-odd flats. Now, if memory serves me well (which it often doesn’t), this bloke had £135,000 to splash. This doesn’t buy you much in the nicer bits of Glasgow. However, Adam doesn’t care. Not a fig. He thinks he’s getting summat nice and big with potential to make some cash on the side. Enter Kirstie and Phil with a big slice of reality check pie.

We also saw the archetypal Cheshire set couple (dripping in tacky jewelry and ditzsy) Jon and Emma. Jon and Emma moved to Glasgow from Wimslow in Cheshire because Emma got some job or other (who cares about what the job was… I mean, only morons are interested in that sort of thing). This new career meant that the family wanted a new house to live in. Now, again, I can’t really remember how much they had in the way of £££, but suffice to say, they wanted more for their buck.

So, back to Phil and Kirstie. Poor buggers. This long suffering pair charged all over Glasgow trying to find a nice house for this pair of couples (and not a brain between them… apart from maybe the girlfriend of Adam who seemed tired of the whole thing). Naturally, as is always the case in these shows, the people Kirstie and Phil are sent to help blindly paw around with cotton wool in their ears refusing all sensible advice from the pair of experts who have made frightening amounts of money in this very field.

So what did this mean? Well, as ever, the marvelous Allsop lost her rag while Phil was left to gently seethe. Now, imagine someone gave you 10p to go to the shops with. You decide you want some sweeties. You stand in front of the shopkeeper and ask him if he’d like to sell you a box of creme eggs. The shoppie says they’re £2. No matter. You keep asking and asking and asking and asking until everyone hates you. No bartering. Just the same 10p offer for something you can’t afford. It’s ridiculous. This is when Kirstie would come in, clip you upside your daft head and stick a Highland Toffee bar in your hand, tell you to like it and kick you into the street with sticky goodness all over your chops.

As silly as that likeness is, that’s pretty much how this show works. Except it takes these people ages to realise. When this series finishes, I think they should allow Kirstie and Phil to beat up their participants. I really do. I think I’d get into property shows if they did. [Mof Gimmers]