I’ve reviewed Gordon Ramsay’s F Word (Channel 4, 9pm, Tuesday) loads of times and I’m running out of things to say about it. Much like Ramsay’s bullet-point recipes, I could simply write; Nipple. Craggy face. Swearing. Uh? Yes chef! Food. Over-reaction to small thing. Yes? More swearing. Gordon Ramsay’s F Word – Predictable as ever.

However, last night’s show had a quite incredible twist in it. I mean it. When I sat down to watch this show, I thought I had it all worked out… all sewn up… all slow poached. I well didn’t (that’s Northern parlance if you’re wondering). How could I have known that this Ramsaygramme would feature an escaped mythical beast devouring livestock at David Beckham’s house? Enter Chupacabras?

Ramsay, amongst all his cooking and swearing, found that one of his lambs had been devoured down on th’farm owned by th’Beckhams. The appearance of a creature that had scaly greenish-grey skin and sharp quills running down its back was incredible. Chupacabras had a panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue and a hiss and screech which haunts this writer even as he types. Ramsay, weeping uncontrollably over his deceased chop carrier, noted a repulsive “sulfuric stench” left by the beast. Ramsay also thought that he saw “bat-like wings.”

Of course, I’m making things up to make this article a bit more interesting for you, but I’m not entirely lying to you. One of Ramsay’s lambs was devoured and a local newspaper claimed that some big cat was on the loose and killing up all types of creatures. Ramsay, like me, sat completely baffled by the events. You still think I’m making things up don’t you?

From Ramsay’s official F Word site; “After the discovery both the Beckhams’ vet and the local Animal Health Officer (from Trading Standards) were immediately consulted. A post mortem carried out by the Veterinary Laboratories Agency was unable to reach a definite conclusion as to what animal killed the sheep. The inconclusive results prompted the VLA to contact the UK’s leading expert at Edinburgh University. He thought it could have been a large cat that killed and ate the lamb.” Even the Daily Mail got on it! In fact, I advise you click here to see the Mail’s article as it features a rather splendid picture of Gordon with a lamb ’round his neck.

Regular viewers of the show will know that there is a competition involved. Some women didn’t do all that great after dishing up raw meat and saying “Bom-Chicka-Wah-Wah” to Ramay who aptly responded with “What the fuck was that?” It’s hard to get excited about the cooking element of the show now that I know (for certain) there is a gigantic beast on the prowl killing everything it meets. I’m officially in hiding now folks. [Mof Gimmers]