My old twisted gurned up enemy is back on our boxes and ruffling feathers as far as the eye can bother seeing. The hunched food Nazi, Gillian McKeith, emerged ghoul like from her TV wilderness to bully some more fatties in 3 Fat Brides, 1 Thin Dress (Channel 4, Tuesday, 8pm) in the name of her own entertainment (you didn’t think she was doing it for our benefit did you?).

Naturally, 3 Fat Brides, 1 Thin Dress saw McKeith meddling with the lives of three brides-to-be, and mercilessly gnawed at their (already fragile) self esteem until they all shed tears the size of medicine balls. As these heavy tear thudded to the ground, McKeith promptly danced around in the puddles and kicked and splashed their woe back into the faces and shouted “YOU GO GIRL!” Possibly as encouragement to herself.

Much like You Are What You Eat (in Gillian’s case, things that barely have a pulse), Gillian went on a mission to state the bleedin’ obvious and be completely vitriolic about the whole thing. Not so much ‘too much of that will make you ill’, more, ‘Don’t be a complete dickend. Don’t eat pizza – eat my bile instead. And stop moaning you fat cretin. Don’t forget to poo in a lunch box for me. I’ve not even got going on you… you disgusting whale.’

Can you feel the love tonight?

Anyway, you all know what this hideous little turd is like. She scowls, shouts, wags bony fingers and generally gets on my tits. So what has changed since we last saw her? Well, McKeith’s transatlantic accent is coming on a treat. Not long ago, I would have said that her voice was split threeways. 60% Scottish, 30% American and 10% Wasp on a rollercoaster. Now our Gillian has upped the yankiedoodle in her voice. So how does this work? After taking her brides to some dance classes, the narration provided by the joyless buffoon stated that we were all in for a treat with some “Dirdy Doncing.” All the clever CGI and editing in the world couldn’t hide McKeith’s little skeletal frame and accompanying hump as she was twizzed around by a dance teacher. Needless to say, I had fifteen showers after seeing her dance all “dirdy” and I still feel filthy.

McKeith kept one thing in her dubious artillery. Her props. In the past, we’ve all seen her stirring a giant carton of milk with a bone, making smoothies with pig nipples and now, it was the trusty coffin. Which she pours trifle in. Then sensitively asks “Do you not want children now?” I say sensitive, I mean ferociously sarcastic. She must have been reading my articles as she even acknowledged that “what I’ve just done may seem a bit harsh” and just when there is a chink of light she adds “but I had to come and save the day… and save the day I did.” Nothing like believing your own bullshit is there?

As ever, the pay off at the end of the show wasn’t worth it’s weight in lead. The brides didn’t look all that different save for a makeover which presumably came from a professional TV makeover type person. I’d gladly bet you a million that just about anyone would look better if you do their hair nicely, give ‘em some nice makeup and kick their self esteem so much that they’d grin inanely at even the smallest gesture of kindness. I mean, if I were weak and fallen for the horseshit proffered by McKeith, I’d probably weep uncontrollably if offered something a small as a raisin that had been found down the back of a sofa.

Back to believing your own bullshit, McKeith was present at the wedding at the close of the show. Dressed like an Australians worst nightmare, McKeith almost shed a tear because she felt so very very proud. I won’t blame you for thinking that she probably does have a heart and that her pride at the bride proves that she’s in the dieting business for reason that can only be described as ‘good’. Save it bucko. Gillian’s tears came from a very worrying and evil place. She nearly cried because she was so proud of… HERSELF! Her words. Not mine. [Mof Gimmers]