So the dunderheads of the Big Brother house have nominated. Unfathomably, Charley isn’t up for the (thinly heeled) boot. Charley is the most abhorrent person I’ve ever seen on TV to date (and yes, that includes Hitler and Fern Cotton). Charley has somehow slipped soap-like through the British publics fingers, but rest assured, when she gets chucked, the stored up venom will be unloaded like wormwood from the sky. Her released will be worse than Revelations.

So who is up? Well, simpleton Seány has been offered as sacrifice to some false God of text voting, as well as newcomer Jonathon and the sumo haired Carole. Naturally, things are a little strained in the house (as they always are around this time) with people sticking on maniacal grins and tears spilling out like coloured balls down a hillside… and then there’s the task.

As you’ve probably seen (or at least been pretending to avoid) the latest task has been to swim the channel. Of course, Big Brother isn’t brave enough to cover the housemates in goose fat and chuck them all into the sea (although we all know that would make great telly), rather, they have a tiny paddling pool and they’ve got to do 7000 lengths (or summat) before they are rewarded with things like marmalade and hummus.

Of course, this isn’t without its problems. Gerry (pictured) implied that Flan-elle wasn’t giving it her all, and if she was, she was pathetically unhealthy (okay, the ‘pathetically’ was my wording). Flan-elle then whined and writhed around the floor like a freshly salted slug crying “HE CALLED ME FAT!” Complete hogwash of course. There’s more meat on a drawing of some ham.

Another fuss stunk up was between the infinite moan of Nicky. Nicky’s voice is something akin to a lawn mower. A buzzing drone that leaves anyone in earshot wishing deafness upon their earholes. After much-ado-about-piss-all, Nicky left Carole crying like a toddler and yelling “I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!!!” It’s amazing to see a grown woman regress into playschool mode. In fact, this transformation left Carole sounding like the spotty pubertising youth in The Simpsons (again, I’ve made a word up and liked it enough to leave it in! Lucky you).

Of course, Charley is never far from the eye of a storm. I’m not being funny yeah, but like, if Charley is so real yeah, then she wouldn’t be kicking shit in people’s eyes all the time yeah? She certainly wouldn’t lay on tears that a crocodile would be ashamed of; y’get me?

One final thought. Is Big Brother as vital as it once was? Ive been watching it and finding that it’s very difficult to form an opinion on the whole thing. All the housemates are doing my bonce in and the whole format feels tired and worn out like cheap shoes. Of course I have my faves and hates, but really, it doesn’t seem to generate the same interest that it once did. Or is it just me? [Mof Gimmers]

For more Big Brother action, click here to see the brilliant AvailableForPanto.