Bum-be-bum-be-bum-be-bum… (That’s me singing the theme tune in excited anticipation if you weren’t quite sure). After twelve weeks in which we were introduced to doggy backpacks, the worst display of live-on-TV sales in the entire world ever and of course… Tre, it’s almost time to wave Surallen, Nick, Margaret and the hapless candidates goodbye. But not before either Simon or Kristina is offered the brilliant prize of a job with Sir Alan Sugar. Who will win?

Join me as I LIVEBLOG The Apprentice: The Final!

9.00 Bum-be-bum-be-bum-be-bum… long opening, usual rehash, reminder of last week’s “grilling”.

Simon and Kristina are at the house, chatting and packing and comparing wins and losses. Guess what? It’s Simon’s “dream” to win The Apprentice. WHAT an original thought. Kristina’s got one too: she doesn’t want to lose.

9.05 Kris and Si head to the boardroom to meet Surallen and find out what the FINAL task will be… “A landmark for London”? Big Al recently spent £120m on a building that he wants Kristina and Simon to come up with conceptual ideas for – and they have to be profitable. They have four days to come up with a vision.

Kristina and Simon go back to the house and find some of the old candidates waiting for them – they have to pick and choose their teams. Everyone’s getting along well and in high spirits… for now.

9.10 Simon and Tre go to look at the location and are thinking of “a boat-type structure”. They go off together. God knows what the rest of the team (Jadine, Rory and Lohit) is doing… Oh OK, they’re bitching.

Naomi and Adam go to the science museum for research and Adam comes up with some barking ideas involving Russian rockets and hot air balloons. There’s some hot air all right. Kristina and Paul are q. chummy now as he’s a trainee building surveyor, apparently. He says he’ll put their past feud behind them and seems to have taken a lesson in swearing from Tre.

Speaking of which, Tre seems to think it’s his challenge, not Simon.

9. 15 WHY are all the teams wandering around tourist attractions? no Lohit, a finger is not an iconic design idea. Nor is a leaf. Rory’s come up with… something. Sorry, I was typing. He’s impressed, anyway. Tre and Simon are still brainstorming ship stuff.

Kristina’s called a meeting. Naomi and Adam talk hot air. HAHAHAHA. “OK, next one” says K, while Paul says Adam’s not intellectually capable enough or somesuch. Still not clear what Paul’s idea is. Adam bitches about Paul on VT.

Tre and Simon are still “floating” their boat idea by their disapproving team, especially Rory – God, I forgot how pompous he is! STILL not clear on Rory’s idea as was typing again, sorry. It’s “organic” though.

9.20 K’s team brainstorms names – The Angel? “The Phoenix?” says Adam. They likey.

Tre is unhappy that Simon’s scrapped his beloved boat idea. Jadine kisses Simon. (Not like THAT).

Tick-tick-tick-tick! Ooh, a new sound effect in lieu of actual tension (not as hard as the task in the American version or even the last series, is it?) The design team is not just unimpressed but dismissive of Paul and Adam’s ideas. Oops.

Simon (quite sweetly) promises an incentive of a weekend in Barcelona if he wins. Tre is uninspired and talks of rusty screwdrivers and eyes. He goes to the design firm with Rory’s designs but no Rory. Which, as it turns out, is not very useful. Simon says Tre wants to be top dog but he’s got the lead. Dammit. Am starting to not to hate him.

The candidates go to research the property market and Kristina talks to Paul about percentages (Maths? My brain won’t compute). Adam gets shirty with K. She goes to look at the new building design.

9.30 Percentages again? Shhh… Simon’s having a presentation meeting, that’s better. Dancing ladies, Rory? How ORIGINAL… they’re talking about heads falling off. Simon’s using the word “shuge”. Hating him again. Come on, Kristina!

Rory is going to choreograph a dance based on their building’s name, The Wave. “Are you a dancer?” Asks Tre, master of bullshitting. Pot-Kettle-black. He decides he’ll take over. Not sure what Lohit’s doing except trying to avoid embarrassment. The team has a massive argument about sticks with silk attached (I don’t make these things up, honestly).

9.35 Kristina discusses her presentation: “It must not be tacky.” WIN WIN WIN! Oh no, she’s sent Adam and Natalie to get props. “God knows what they’ll come back with,” says Nick.

“Actually that looks quite good,” says an amazed Margaret of Simon’s design.

Kristina is not impressed with Adam and Natalie’s props. Adam is not impressed with Kristina.

Rory and Tre are arguing about what to do with the dancers.

I had a silk on a stick thing like that with my “Get in shape, girl!” cassette back in about 1986. F-U-N.

9.40 OK, time for the presentations in front of Surallen and a hundred property experts. I’m scared!!
Simon’s begins: Nessun Dorma and swirly dancers. Big Al looks amused. Jadine harasses the crowd into saying “Good evening.” It’s not a panto (is it?) A video – the wave design looks a bit weird but kinda cool. Not bad for £730m pounds. Simon rambles enthusiastically. He asks for questions and stutters and talks rubbish. he says there are no iconic structures on the South Bank. (Except the London Eye, perhaps).

9.45 Kristina’s turn. A phoenix-y song plays. Ooh guess what? Kristina’s idea is iconic, too. She has no video. Al looks impressed though. Oh! there IS a video. Her design makes better use of space but isn’t as cool-looking. She too takes questions and seems to talk quite well.

OK, now if Simon’s team wins they’re going to New York. Hope they’re not thinking of this November (I’m there then).

Bit disappointed everyone’s happy and no-one made a pig’s ear of the task. It’s what The Apprentice is all about, isn’t it, bitching and cock-ups? Simon talks to VT: he’s been justplaying at being a buffoon, apparently.

9.50 Back to the boardroom for Kris and Si, plus their final challenge teams.
The last boardroom visit of the year… sob.
Surallen asked for feedback from the teams. Paul and Kristina had a love-in. Adam moaned a bit as per. Rory praised Simon for being able to cope with Tre. Jadine said Simon didn’t need to bribe them with holiday offers. She’s soooo not going to New York now.

9.55 Time for Al, Nick and Margaret to have one last confab. Nick says Simon could be a great success but easily distracted. Margaret says Kristina is more focused and mature but Simon has more ideas.
Argh! Time for Al to talk to the candidates… “it’s very very difficult… you both are very very employable.” He asks Kristina why she should be The Apprentice. Good leadership skills, she’s got skills and drive and acumen.
“Simon?” He’ll work all day and all night (oh good, go against European directives on working hours why doncha?) and can motivate people. He wears cotton socks and will work them off.

9.58 Alan’s balancing one candidate against the other. he doesnt want to let either go… but he must!

“Bloody old fool that I am* Simon, you’re hired.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

So! After saying all along that he wanted a more experienced candidate who he wouldn’t have to keep an eye on… Surallen chose an inexperienced candidate he’ll have to keep an eye on. The biggest buffoon of them all, rapping, break-dancing Tre-befriending Simon. He’s a fool to himself.

10.00 OK, I’m off to watch The Apprentice: You’re Hired! and swear at the telly. Hope you enjoyed the blogging and (marginally more importantly) the programme. I can’t believe it’s all over for another year! There’s a summer of empty Wednesday nights ahead for me… (Unless I get a life, of course). See you next year!

*YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!