Ah. My old sparring partner and all round nemesis is back. Gillian McKeith is all set to haunt our screens again and this time, she’s picking on brides. In Three Fat Brides, One Thin Dress, the dastardly diet dictator is turning her attention to big girls who are looking forward to their big day… as if sorting a wedding out isn’t stressful enough.

In each episode Gillian meets three bulging brides-to-be who all want help. They’ll have eight weeks to transform their appearance and well-being, with the prize of the wedding dress of her dreams for the bride who has the greatest success. Of course, this is McKeith, the David Koresh of dieting. Losing weight isn’t enough. The portly brides must PLEDGE to stick to Gillian’s vows, and the winner will LOVE her foods, HONOUR her regime and OBEY her rules to her wedding day and beyond.

So what will Gillian be doing with these people? Well, after revealing the brides weekly combined food intake as a gruesome wedding banquet (yawn… get a new tactic love) she’ll also be using her disturbing visual aids to show off her twisted mind and as a result, she’ll make the fatties cry into submission.

Gillian will not limit her involvement to our blushing brides’ bursting seams… I mean… that’s not cruel enough is it? Gillian will go all out to reveal some ghastly wedding facts, including what’s really in that beautiful looking wedding cake and the shocking amount of saturated fat, calories and alcohol most of us pack away during the average big day, as well as helping the brides limber up with dance classes in preparation for that all important first dance. Basically, the one day when you can have a blow out is going to get ruined by a poisoned little frail dwarf.

Of course, Gillian will no doubt by foraging around in some stools as well to prove some half baked woolly point. Much like a turd, the whole thing will reek to high heaven and set anyone with a brain into some hate filled aneurysm. Not only that, but whoever wins the competition will no doubt have to invite McKeith to the wedding itself. I can already see her scowling at the wedding party as someone has a cigarette or turns up eating chewing gum. If you haven’t volunteered for the programme and you get hassle from Gillian, is it alright to tell her to f**k off? That’s what I would do. That or force feed her pork scratchings or summat. The programme is to be shown on Channel 4 from 26th June. [Mof Gimmers]