I decided to try something different this week: I decided to “liveblog” The Apprentice – except not really, because my PC faces away from the TV (in fact, it’s in another room). So it’s liveblogging, uploaded the following day. Okay? Let’s go…

9pm: Blah blah blah longest opening ever… it’s getting longer.

Recap of last week’s farrago…Blah di blah. Here we go!

9.05 7.15 AM in the house: a lie in! The gang goes upstairs to the screening room (who knew?) where Nick and Mags join them – and on a big screen… well, I’m hoping Surallen will appear.

Yes! Here’s a vid from The Sir: their next task is to sell British food in “one of the nicest market towns” in France. Not speaking the lingo is no excuse. Al picks Lohit (he’s really on a roll now) and Posh Paul to lead the teams. Then the teams are mixed up to balance out the French speakers. I don’t know who’s Eclipse and who’s Stealth so let’s just call them Paul’s and Lohit’s teams, shall we?

Paul at first seems like he might be a good boss: he tells everyone what to pack, using his army lieutenant experience. They brainstorm. Kristina makes herself unpopular by saying cheese might no be the best choice as the French do it better…

9.08 Simon says he “has got to know the French ladies quite well, fnar fnar” Puke.

More brainstorming. And they’re off! They have to buy produce on the way to the ferry – don’t rush them or anything, will you, Surallen?

Tre’s swearing. Blah blah.

9.10 Simon buys a lot of smoked fish.
Half of Paul’s team goes to buy some award-winning sausages (made by female prisoners – is that true?) Paul and Adam go to Macro for a pan with “a jelly burner” as Paul has cooking plans involving empty baked bean cans. It’s either be great or the biggest disaster. As this is The Apprentice, I’m betting the latter.

“They’re taking tea to a coffee-drinking nation” says Nick of Lohit’s team. Ah, bless ‘em.

Paul wants to flog cheese and chutney from Macro so he and Adam go back to buy some – plus black pudding. THIS AFTER SURALLEN SET THEM UP WITH FINE FOOD PRODUCERS? “I’m really worried” says Kristina.

Adam and Paul go to get a banner they’re five hours late to collect. At £125 it’s too much. The sign man is justifiably not impressed and offers it for £110: “Take it or leave it.”They take it.

Lohit’s team buy 20 little flags for less than a tenner to decorate their stall, but they’re rushing now to get the ferry. They’ve lost their van driver and with it their produce!

9.19 False alarm. All aboard!

Kristina is not enjoying this task.

9.21 Lohit calls a meeting. Jadine’s snoozy and bitchy. Simon’s bossy. Tre is… mouthing off! Simon’s peed off with Naomi and Jadine. Lohit tells everyone to get along. Then he gets in bed with Simon (bless ‘em).

9.23 ish The Narrator: “A market town in France” – which one? Why the mystery?
“Customers are knowledgeable and fussy”. Uh-oh.

Kristina and Paul bicker. Adam’s snoozy.

Hey, Paul and Katie have been reunited!

9.25 Are we SURE Paul was in the army? His burner has not gone well. His team’s shouting “fromage anglais!” to no avail.

Lohit’s team takes his product to the streets. “Are you interesting?” he asks a French couple.
Tre tries to shout about tea. No-one wants any.

Someone has to sell something!

Paul’s burner has not worked. He takes his ladylove Katie to French shops and bars to flog sausages.

Lohits’s fish and marmalade is selling now

Simon shows off his Francais. Tre “can bullshit in any language” C’est bon, non?

Those sausages on that blooming burner are still not cooked, and no one wants to buy any without trying some. Katie and Paul try to sell pork sausage to a Muslim butcher. During Ramadan. Kristina – now stop me if you’ve heard this before – is not happy. Thank goodness she can “think outside the box” (urgh) and borrows a restaurant’s burners. She’s happy at last… with herself. The sausages start to sell at the stall whilst Paul sells them off very cheaply to wholesalers. Oh no – Kristina is unhappy again. We see a VT in which Katie calls her a “snake in the grass.” Adding, “I look forward to the day she tries to swallow something larger than she should and it will be the end of her.” ME-OW.

9.32 On the competing teams, Simon flogs fish. Adam; chutney

The teams have to go home. They both have produce to spare.

Hey! Someone’s not happy… guess who? (It begins with K…)

Ah, here are Nick and Mags! They take the teams’s money and Paul’s team throws away a mountain of sausages.

9.35 Candidates are called to the boardroom at 8am (another lie-in!)
“Good afternoon” says Surallen. Hmm, lying about that 8am thing were ya, Narrator? Lohit’s team said they liked him, Paul’s team said the same… except Kristina.

The results!
Lohit’s team made £410 profit.
Paul’s made a loss of £225.84. Oops. They spent £741 on marketing and produce?!
“We don’t normally do losses” says Surallen.

Lohit’s team go to a giant wind tunnel. Ooh, fun!
The other team get their knives out… I mean, have a nice chat.

9.41 Boardroom again.
Wise words from The Shug: “You bought cheese from a bloody cash and carry!” Nick points out that selling cheese was a mistake. Kristina says she’d said that earlier. Bicker bicker moan…
Adam’s picked on for the banner debacle. The sausage issue is, um, raised. The Shug questions Posh Paul’s inadequate burner.”It was just something I cobbled together” he admits.
Katie’s going on about everything that went wrong – Kristina, the burner and too much stock, she says.
Paul and Kristina are bickering. Did Paul undersell sausages for 3 euros a pack? He did. Katie says he’s a good leader. Paul agrees and says Adam should get fired.

9.50 Paul brings Kristina and Adam back into the boardroom.
Meanwhile Katie has another bitch, calling Kristina “too orange to be taken seriously”. Brilliant.

Surallen is not impressed with the quality of food bought by the team. “Why shouldn’t I fire you?” He asks Paul. Paul calls Adam weak. Alan asks why Ads keeps being asked into the boardroom. Kristina says Katie sits on Paul’s lap in the house and he strokes her… finish that sentence! Argh. Alan’s bemused. Paul’s stuttering. I think Kristina should shut up – Alan doesn’t like it when people can’t work in a team… Adam’s blaming Paul too.

9.58 Surallen: “It’s Dunkirk all over again.”
“Paul, I thought you was a contender”
“What also worries me is you Adam.” Adam asks to stay and be team leader next week.
Al asks Kristina if she argues a lot.
Oooh, is Alan bluffing by going off at Paul? No, he’s not. He fires Paul, calling him a total shambles. Paul thanks him.

Back at the house, Simon does a mean impersonation of Adam. Everyone looks at Adam in disgust when he returns. Subtle.

Oooh, fun! – Next week they’re going to do that thing where they buy a list of products as cheaply as possible. I love that task!

Don’t forget Surallen’s also busy over at The Googly, Shiny’s cricket blog, every week!

The Apprentice week 1 | The Apprentice week 2 | The Apprentice week 3 | The Apprentice week 4 | The Apprentice week 5 (link coming soon!)

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