How To Look Good Naked (Tuesdays, Channel 4, 8pm) was always going to be a rough ride for me. Firstly, it’s a style programme with undertones of ‘you go girlfriend’ and advice about bras and talk of apple shaped people. Now, a person resembling an apple sounds like fun to me, but alas, the show didn’t contain one person who had green skin and answered to the name Granny Smith. What the show did contain was the largest array of lady boobs I’ve ever seen pre-watershed.

The intro kicked off with what seemed like a thousand mammaries. For a fleeting moment, I found myself thinking that I was underneath some kind of gigantic sow ready to suckle in the barnyard. Thankfully I snapped out of it before I started to slobber at my screen in an attempt to make it lactate. Hopefully you’re not dwelling on my embarrassing admission, and are ready for me to talk about the show some more…

How To Look Good Naked is presented by a man with a fascist haircut. He goes by the name of Gok Wan. Gok is a strange creature. He’s all angles and specs, darting around burping up wide boy cockneyisms, whilst simultaneously limping his wrist and cooing at clothes. I imagine the whole of Britain thinks he’s gay. I’m not so sure. One thing that makes me unsure (not that his sexuality should be of any real interest to us… but bare with me… it’s leading me neatly to a point) about him is his fascination with the lady bosom. Gok has a bewildering array of words and terms for the chest of a lady.

Like some sharply dressed androgynous builder, Gok rattles off hooters, tits, bangers, Bristols, jubblies, fun-bags, rack and charlies. He’s like Sid James trapped inside Ziggy Stardust’s body. Believe me, I never thought I’d type that in all my days. Anyway, before this show kicked off, I had a feeling I knew what was going to happen. I was right of course (ha!). Basically, a woman gets some new clothes and as a result, finds new confidence. Just like when a bloke buys a new suit, he struts down the road thinking he’s ace… then treads in some dog poo and it’s all over. That short lived moment of “I look great” is what these shows trade on. All soundtracked by various Justin Timberlake songs (which, for the record, make me want to kill).

So the woman in question gets tarted up (I’m being crass for effect, stay with me on this one) and flung down a cat walk like a bowling ball and then, the we all get the pay-off. Now, in 10 Years Younger, the pay off is salty gobs and tears in front of a spinning mirror (like in Bruce Lee’s Enter The Dragon). Gok’s payoff is somewhat different. The former frump is sent tottering down a catwalk with her children sat front row watching their mother parade her wares in her underwear in front of 1000 people… all backdropped by a gigantic nude picture of herself. You could actually see the mental scars burning into the kiddies minds. It’s an absolutely terrifying tactic.

Of course, the lady in question felt like a million bucks, and that’s the point I suppose. She even said herself “My confidence is at an all time high” which is nice. However, you can’t help but feel that this will be short lived. In six months time she’ll be back in her towelling dressing gown at the foot of her children’s bed, trying to explain that mummy had to do the show, and all those kids at school taking the piss are just ‘jealous’. “But mum… they’ve seen your busters…” No matter, next week, Gok will be waltzing into another persons life and trying to get them to undress in front of the thousands of people watching at home. At least he’s not Trinny and Susannah eh? [Mof Gimmers]