There isn’t a great deal of brilliant programmes on the telly at the moment. I’m getting deja-vous about the whole thing. Does TV have a slump just before summer? Anyways, unfulfilled and skipping through a whole load of crappy channels, I went back to watching Gordon Ramsay’s F Word (Channel 4, Tuesday, 9pm) and waited for the craggy faced grump to pull out all of his usual tricks. ‘Uh? Yes? (YES CHEF!)

If you’ve read my reviews before you’ll know that I can veer from undiluted love to peevish hateful bile. Gordon Ramsay has been a strange one. Sometimes, when the mood takes me, I like his needless cruelty to fellow man (and vegetarians). Mostly, I get annoyed with him and feel like I want to force him into a barrel and boot it from a cliff into the eager damp mouths of starved sharks. So which way did I fall last night?

Annoyingly, Ramsay fell between his two personalities last night. Most of the time he was yelling “UH?” and “YES?” at the end of his sentences and saying things like “make love to that fish, don’t fuck it” which I think you’ll agree, is nonsense that I wouldn’t even try to come up with. It’s probably worth pointing out that this was a reference to cooking and not some depraved aquatic love making initiation process… even Channel 4 would baulk at that idea.

Where was I before I started talking about fish love? Ah yes, Gordon Ramsay being annoying. In the F-Word, as ever, we had a shot of his man nip and a bullet-point recipe. As I missed a bit of it (because I was staring at the ceiling… don’t ask me why) so all I got was “SALT. SPICE. HALIBUT IN [something or other] DONE.” So, yeah… all a bit useless really… and possibly even more useless in a TV review. Sorry.

However, and this is the annoying part, Ramsay has moments where I actually warmed to him. Watching him throw up in a plastic bucket whilst taking on Top Gear’s James May in an eating competition broke a genuine smile across my face. He’s game that Gordie. Why did he spew? Well, they were both chewing a bull’s cock and some rotten shark. May’s “you disappoint me Ramsay…” was quite a lovely and funny moment.

In the kitchen, taking up the F-Word challenge were the loudest group of women I’ve ever heard in my life. Imagine getting every finger nail in the world and scraping it down the largest blackboard in Europe and playing it through the Velvet Underground’s PA system. One of the women sounded ten times more harsh than that. As a group, they sounded like a war in a belfry and there were moments that saw Ramsay literally diving around his kitchen covering his ears. Quite an image I can tell you. Oh, and they were great too. They lead the table in ‘customers paying’ in case you care.

So, summing up, I still don’t know if I should hate Ramsay, or whether I should give him begrudging props. One thing that irks me is that, during his shows, and for about a hour afterwards, should anyone (at all) speak to me, I jump petrified into the air and shout “YES CHEF!?” That aint cool man. [Mof Gimmers]